On Sunday, the boys and my husband came here for just a little bit, after leaving the Ronald Mcdonald house. They didn't stay very long, pretty much to pick up my room and just visit for a little bit. I will admit, it wasn't the easiest saying goodbye to them after spending a long weekend with them. I tried to not cry, and did a really good job! I knew if I would cry, that would only make it harder on them leaving, and especially Logan. After they left, I did cry a little bit, just knowing I'm going back to my everyday routine, with little to no family life :( Once I kicked myself into gear and put my game face on, I was fine, and by supper time I was back to my normal self. A little more grumpy than normal, but hey...I think I'm allowed to be grumpy some days, right?? lol.
Monday was a new day and I woke up feeling good, and ready to start my new week. Every new week I start is only another week longer I am HOPEFULLY pregnant. I was just chillin all morning laying back, watching some tv. My sleep schedule is so screwed up here, that by morning time, I wish I could just take another nap! I do try sometimes, but that is pretty much impossible here. I have never met with SO many doctors in my whole life. I see about 3 doctors a day, sometimes more. Then you have my nurse coming in almost every hour to check on something, then the cleaning lady, the dietitian, midwifes, and people they hire to check on patients who have long stays here to "talk" to make sure we aren't going insane! lol So, yes..naps are actually very rare here. Mondays are also my ultrasound days. Nothing big, but they want to check the fluid around the baby every week to make sure it's still at a good amount. I always look forward to these days, because I get to travel outside of my room! Mom came up on Monday for her morning/afternoon visit, and I thought she was going to miss the ultrasound, but she didn't. I was glad she got to go with me, especially this time, because the nurse let us had a small peak at Lane in 3D. It was pretty awesome feeling to actually "see" him. Mom and I both let some tears fall as we looked at the beautiful new life that was forming inside of me. Lane is looking great, and he has NO clue what mommy is going through. He is just baking away :) Here are a couple pics from Monday :
Seeing him on Monday made me so happy!!! Then she checked my placenta, and says "wow, if that isn't complete placenta previa, I don't know what is" She could see CLEARLY my placenta was directly over my cervix. And proceeded to tell me "Thats not going anywhere!" Every time I see my placenta on the ultrasound and see that it hasn't moved at all is always discouraging and sorta freaky. It scares me to see it lying there knowing what it could do if something bad were to happen. It always just makes things "real" for me again. Like I said before, I am in the right place and I NEED to be here. This situation is scary, and everyday I worry about bleeding, and the fear of them ripping my baby out of me. I am learning to trust the Lord and place things in his hands. This is nothing I can control. It just happened, and yes it is scary and I do worry, but I know that no matter the situation, the Lord is the one in control. I believe he will take care of both of us, and he will give me my hearts desires as long as I trust and believe he will. All of us need some more childlike faith. That's why I always want little children to pray for me.. when little kids pray, they really believe Jesus can heal me and take care of me. We all need to be like children, and have faith the Lord can do things that seem impossible. He is still the same God today as he always has been. Healing blinded eyes, raising the dead, taking cancer away, or even healing a simple cold. It's us that needs to "let go, and let God" Rest in his peace and know he is taking care of everything.
Monday night, I got to skype with Broc and the boys. I noticed Logan was looking a little sad right away and as soon as I said "whats the matter, buddy??" he started to cry. My poor Logan has finally hit a wall, and the "newness' of all of this is starting to wear off, and he is missing his mommy. It was so sad to see him cry, and there was nothing I could do!! I so badly just wanted to reach through my computer screen and wrap my arms around him and tell him that everything was going to be ok. He couldn't stop crying, so Broc and I talked and said it would be ok if he came up on Tuesday to come and see me. That made it all better. He was satisfied to hear he would get to see me the next day, and was excited!!! Well, when Tuesday came, I guess the weather back home was getting bad, and our visit never happened :( He was devastated when Broc told him the roads were too bad to come and see mommy. It broke my heart to know he was so sad...and yet again, I couldn't do ANYTHING being so far away! That by far is the hardest part being here. When my son is crying for me, and there is nothing I can do to make him feel better. So, keep praying for my little sweetheart Logan.. Pray the Lord comforts him when he is needing in, and that he feels Mommy's love everyday.
Also on Tuesday, I had a great visit with my best friend Jamie Welch, and her beautiful new baby girl, Avery. It was so nice to see BOTH of them after what it seemed like had been forever. As we were talking, and she was explaining her feelings of when she was in the hospital (for preterm labor), it was like she was reading my mind. I don't share some of the thoughts that go through my mind, but she had already known them. Though our situations are different, she has been through the rough hospital stay, and the scary days of not knowing what is going to happen next. I love that girl, and I'm so thankful the Lord has placed her in my life. Not only we were best friends growing up, but now as adults. Now more than ever, I realized a love between friends....she cares for me, prays for me, is concerned for me, and is there for me when I need her. She is more like family than a friend. I thank the Lord she is still my friend, especially at this time in my life.
She gave me this song to listen to, and it brought MANY tears to my eyes. Lane is worth it all..he is going to be worth all the tears I have cried, and all my fears I have faced. Listen to the words..
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