Hey there!! I have had a couple people ask me where my blogs have been?? Well, nothing really went on, so I guess I sort of forgot about writing them. So, I guess I will update everyone on my past 2 days here.
On Thursday, I had a pretty boring day, and I have a feeling you guys are going to hear a lot about that. My day dragged pretty bad, and sometimes I start to think about things, and start getting down and feeling so alone. Even though I do have visitors here and there, I feel like no one else is going through exactly what I am going through besides me, and sometimes that's a really lonely feeling. I caught myself looking up at my little closet I have here, and staring at my pictures Logan and my nieces and nephew had colored for me, and I started tearing up. Seeing those pictures makes me miss home. Yet at the same time, they bring me joy because its a part of home and a part of each one of them :) I am starting to really realize that there will be good days, and there will be really bad days...and that's ok. I think its normal?? I had talked to Broc earlier that day and discussed with him that he should just stay home for 1 night, and have the boys home with their daddy and it would also give him a little break from traveling. He has been coming every night, staying for an hour or 2, and then traveling home to go to bed and get the boys stuff ready for their next day. Not only does he have to work, but he has been packing things for the boys to go to the babysitter, dropping them off, and then also going to work. Then after work, he normally goes straight home to shower, then drop the boys off at another babysitter and heads to Toledo to come see me for only a short visit. I KNOW as time goes on, he is going to get burnt out from all of the traveling, and all the other stuff he has going on in his life right now. Trying to be Mr. Mom when he can, and also being a provider for his family. So, as much I didn't want to do it, I told him that it would be ok to just stay home Thursday night to just be home. I reassured him that I would be ok, and I would try not to have any meltdowns. I know that he will not be able to come see me every single day, and sometimes that just has to happen. Life has to go on for him. I just wish my life could be apart of his life too :( So, knowing I wasn't going to see him that night was a little bit rough for me but I tried not to think about it, because I know it has to be this way. It did help that I had a visit from Brocs grandpa and grandma Pease and his uncle Mike and Aunt Julie. They came to see me, and stayed for about 2 hours. I always love hearing his grandparents stories of the "olden days". I could listen to them talk for forever!! After they left, I got ready for bed and tried to just keep my mind off of things, and watch some TV. Then, I get a message from Broc on facebook chat, and we start chatting. Sometimes its almost harder for me to talk to him, just because no matter what he says....it doesn't make me feel better. (sorry babe.) I haven't even told Broc this, so if you're reading this, be prepared..lol. But, some days I feel angry, and I am starting to take it out on Broc. I'm not mean to him, but I feel its not fair that I'm here going through everything. He gets to come and go whenever he pleases, and he gets to tuck my boys to bed at night. I feel stuck, trapped..useless. I don't understand why I have those feelings sometimes, but I can't help but feel that way. Like I said, I have my good days and I have my bad days. I know my husband is going through so much, and I appreciate everything he is doing to step up, because he is BIG time. But, I'm just trying to be honest with my feelings, and it actually feels good to share it. Now, let me clear things up...I do NOT feel this way all the time!!!!!! But on this particular day, I was. (I love you, honey)
On Friday, I woke up feeling like a NEW woman!!! PRAISE GOD! Friday was an awesome day for me. For one, my health has been improving every single day, and by Friday I had no spotting what so ever. So, I am always thankful for that. I had great spirits on Friday...I had breakfast, and then watched some TV and then took a shower. Those always refresh me, they are like my little vacation from my bed :) After I showered, I did my hair, and even put on some make-up just to fill up some time. My cousin Julie and aunt sue came to visit me earlier in the week (LOVE YOU GUYS!!) and Julie had let me borrow an Ipod. She put tons and tons of praise and worship music on it for me to listen tho, and boy oh boy I didn't realize what a blessing that would be to me. My most favorite was that my sisters CD "Faith Walk" was downloaded on there. I had been going through with drawls, because that's ALL I listen to in my car when I was at home. So, I turned on my sisters CD, and it instantly gave me peace (a long with a few, or a lot of tears). There's just something about hearing them sing that makes me happy and lifts my spirits. Especially when I'm so far from home. The song that really spoke to me was "simple song". Here are the words to the song:
Sing a simple song of love, to my savior, to my Jesus.
I'm grateful for the things you've done,
My loving savior, precious Jesus.
My heart is glad, that you called me your own,
There's no place I'd rather be.....Than in your arms of love, In your arms of love...
Holding me still, you are holding me near, in your arms of love.
I felt so comforted to know that the Lord is there for me, holding me in his precious arms of love!! There really is no place I'd rather be. When you are feeling SO alone, like I have some days, just know that Jesus is there with his arms stretched wide waiting for you to come and rest your head against his chest and just REST in his peace. Thank you Jesus!
That night, I was REALLLLY excited because my family was coming to see me!!! Mom and Dad showed up early, and I had really missed them because I hadn't seen them since Monday! I love seeing them walk in with a big smile :) Plus there is really nothing better than your mommy. My mommy will always be there to comfort me, and take care of me....even if I'm going on 26! I love you, momma. And not only that but my sister Amber and her whole family came up too! I was sooo excited, because I hadn't seen them for almost a week. That may not seem like a lot to some of you, but my family is extremely close and I love them SOO much and miss them when we are a part. It was so good to get a hug from my other mom, a.k.a. Amber, and her daughters. I couldn't help but just feel so HAPPY. I wanted to hold little Kinlee, and she rested her head on my chest right away and just stayed there. Little did she know, that made me feel AMAZING :) Broc and Logan also stayed the night on Friday. I couldn't wait till they got here...and boy oh boy was Logan excited!!!! He did a GREAT job spending the night with mommy. He got his jammies on, and we watched some movies, ate some stacks, and cuddled!!! He is such a good little boy, and so loving...I really am proud to say he is mine. He had 1,0000000 questions for me..why I had to have this needle in my arm, why do nurses always come in, was it safe here if there was a fire lol, it went on and on...but, I was happy to answer all of his questions!! He would put his arm around me and kiss me on the cheek just out of no where..he blesses my socks off!! So, Friday was an AWESOME day for me!!! Praise the Lord for days like that to get you through the rough days....
Please keep us all in your prayers as emotions are running high and low. We love you all, and we are overwhelmed with the support of our community, family, church members, and friends. WE ARE BLESSED. I cannot say thank you enough. I almost feel as though I'm not worthy of it....but, God bless all of you!
special thanks to Brad Volk for setting me up with skype! This man doesn't even know me, and he came to my hospital room and did this for me!! Brought me to tears, sweetest guy ever!!! Thanks again...its awesome to see my family when I'm so far away!!!*******
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