Conclusion: "A Christmas miracle"

Hello everyone!! My last post was about "I'll be your miracle".  Little did I know, 3 days later....that my only HOPE would be in the Lord. Thursday, December 8th at around 10:00p.m. , I was just getting out of the shower, said my goodbyes to my hubby and was snuggled in my hospital bed to wrap up another day at the Toledo hospital.  As I was laying down, I felt a little gush..thinking it was nothing.  I actually didn't bother to even get up.  At that point, I hadn't bleed for 4 weeks, so I was getting confident that it wasn't blood.  Sure enough, that's exactly what it was.  I was pretty shocked, and right away pressed my call light to get the nurses down to my room.  Then, I called Broc right away, who was only 15 minutes from being home!  I told him to please come back because I was bleeding and I wasn't sure how bad it was going to be.  Right after I got off the phone with him, there were still no nurses coming in, so I hit my call light again, and told them "I AM BLEEDING!" At that point, I had already had another gush, not even 2 minutes later.  It wasn't even a minute, and I had about 4 nurses running down the hall, pushing my door open, and they begin to take control over me.  Raising my hospital bed, asking questions, starting IVS.  So scary.  Then another gush....and, another....and...another.  The nurses went to get the on call doctor to come and check me out.   She came in and thought I would be ok, and the amount of blood was "alright" for the time being.  I was glad because that meant I could stay in my room...my room always made me feel safe, it was like my home away from home.  Well, no sooner as the doctor left, I had another gush. The nurses called the doctor back in, and she was there right away!! She checked the amount of blood and right away said that I needed to be moved to labor and delivery.  I was laying there on my bed feeling so helpless, and scared..not knowing what was going to happen next.  At that point, I was still alone, waiting for Broc to get there.  He couldn't get there fast enough, I just wanted someone there to tell me that everything was going to be ok, but I couldn't get that answer from ANYONE! No one would tell me that everything was going to work out just fine!!  So, off I go...about 4 nurses wheeling my hospital bed down the lonely hallways.  I enter into my new room in Labor and delivery, and say goodbye to my other nurses.  The L&D nurses hooked me up to the monitors right away to make sure Lane was tolerating the amount of blood loss I was having.  They reassured me that, he was looking great, so that made me feel a little bit better.  About 2 or 3 hours later, my husband finally gets there...and shortly after that, my mom and dad arrive also.  Something about my parents being there always makes me feel better too.  The motherly love from momma, and the prayers from my daddy are always a good help when I am scared and worried.  My Mom was amazing to me the whole night!! She was such a trooper, and stayed up with me the whole night.  She even cleaned me up, just like I was her little baby again :)  She really is the best..  The rest of the night really didn't get much better, about every 5-10 minutes I would have another gush.  I felt like I had to be a statue, and not move a muscle, or else I would begin to bleed again.  And that's exactly what happened...every move I made, another gush!  Early in the morning, I would say around 4 or 5 am, the nurse checked my pad I was laying on...and when she removed it, I was SHOCKED at the amount of blood was on there.  I started to think in my head "oh my gosh, this really could be it!"  I knew it was a lot, because she saved that pad to show the doctor.  Shortly after that, I felt something coming out...I knew exactly what it was.  I was passing a clot...a big clot.  I pressed my call light, and the nurse came in and checked it out.  She also then removed my pad, and saved it to show the doctor.  At this point, the nurse would barely answer my questions, and she would never look me in the eye.  I knew something was wrong, and at that point I looked at my Mom and said "Mom, they are going to take Lane out, I just know it. "  She tried to calm me, and reassure me that everything was going to be ok, but at that point, I just knew something wasn't right.  At 7:00am on the nose, the doctor came in and sat down on my bed beside me.  Is this really happening????? Pleaseeee, tell me this is NOT happening.  "Megan, she said, we cannot control the bleeding...we are going to have to do an emergency c section right now."  Tears filled my eyes, and I starting bawling and pleading with her to stop the bleeding, or do something to make things better!!! I knew if Lane was taken from me, that he was not going to be ok on his own, and he would be in the NICU for awhile.  "Is there anything more you can do???" I asked...and she looked at me with sadness, and said "no honey."  I was filled with such fear, not for me, but for my baby!  More nurses entered my room, and start working on me.  Putting in huge IV's in case I needed a blood transfusion, and then they begin to start me on magnesium sulfate.  My body is instantly filled with intense heat from head to toe.  I couldn't believe all of this was really happening to me, and so FAST!  I had NO time to process anything.  I had 20 minutes to let the magnesium fill my body, and then they were going to take me in to surgery.  The doctor came in and sat down beside me again with a piece of paper in her hand.  She began to whisper. This paper I had to sign was pretty much telling me all the risk I was about to face, since I had the previa. She basically was telling me, I could die. At that point, I was totally freaked out..but still, if I was going to die, fine...but I wanted my baby to be SAFE! 

After signing my life away, it was time.  No matter what I wanted, my baby was being pulled from his "home" and out into the world.  My parents, and husband gathered around me and laid hands on me and began to pray.  Then, I was wheeled away from them......off to the OR I go.  They prepped me, and got me all ready.  They were so great to me in there, they knew the fears I was facing, and let me know that I was in good hands.  Once my spinal began to take effect, they started.  All I could think of was Lane and how he was going to be when he came out!! Lord, please let my baby be ok!!!!! PLEASE!!!  About 20 minutes later...Lane Jaxon Miller was born.

He was BEAUTIFUL!  My first thought was "oh my goodness, he is SO little"  They showed me his little face, and then off they go with him.  Right next door was the NICU team waiting.  I barely could wait to hear the news of if he was doing good or if he was struggling.  Minutes seemed like hours, and then finally a nurse let me know that he was doing good for his gestational age.  I could finally take a sigh of relief.  I knew he was going to be ok no matter what.   I knew the Lord wouldn't allow any different!!!  Soon, they stitched me back up, and 37 staples later.....I was done.  I just wanted to so badly see my baby.  I was wheeled into the recovery room, and they told me that if I was up to it, that they would let me go to the NICU to see Lane.  I couldn't wait to just look at my baby!!!  Once they wheeled me down to the NICU, into Lanes room...I just started to bawl, I didn't really know what to feel.  It was extremely hard to see my baby hooked up to all these tubes and wires.  I thought all along that I would make it far enough so that my baby would not have to suffer.  I began to feel like a failure. Some how I felt it was my fault, and I didn't do a good enough job of keeping him safe inside of me. 

I didn't realize how emotional it was going to be to watch my baby lay there so helpless.  SO hard. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.  Friday he seemed to be doing "ok" for a baby born at 32 weeks.  They said he was about average in health for his age.  Saturday morning we went down to see him, and he seemed to be struggling more with his breathing.  It was almost heart wrenching just to go down to see him because it was never enjoyable....it was always so sad for me.  There was nothing I could do to make him better. I couldn't even touch him.  I felt so worthless. Saturday night, I knew Lane was in trouble.  My heart began to tremble with fear... He looked horrible, and when he would breath it was almost like his chest would touch his back bone with he would breath in.  He was struggling SO bad just to live.  At about midnight, I was up in my room sobbing, along with Broc.  We both knew he wasn't doing too well at all.  I looked my husband in the eyes, and I said "enough is enough" I wanted to go down to his NICU room one more time, lay hands on his incubator and proclaim health and life into my little boys body.  I was sick of crying so much, and I was ready to fight for my baby!!!  We made it to his room, and both instantly starting praying!  I felt so confident that the Lord was going to do a work in his life, and back we went to our room.   At 2:00 am Sunday morning, my nurse comes in my room. "Megan, Dr. Stein wants to meet with you guys, Lane is not doing well at all."  I woke Broc up, and tried to prepare him for the worse.  Something inside me knew this wasn't going to be a pleasant meeting.  They had told us earlier, that if we ever get a phone call...its usually not good.  Broc wheeled me down to the NICU. Not a word was said between both of us.  We feared the worse for our new baby boy.  Once we entered the NICU, and approached Lanes room....both doors were shut, and all the blinds were closed. I knew in my heart, it wasn't good. This was NOT normal.  There were probably half a dozen nurses surrounding his room, and many more inside his room!  What a horrible sight to see.  I just wanted to know what was going on, I didn't want anyone to beat around the bush.. I wanted to know TRUTH.  Well, truth is what I got.  Dr. Stein walks out of Lanes room and asks us to go to his office.  Broc wheels me down, and there we are...meeting in the office with Dr. Stein, and another doctor.  He then pulls up 3 different xrays of Lanes chest.  He shows us the holes in both lungs, and the air that was slowly leaking around them.  Then he pulled up a 3rd xray.  This xray was the most recent one...When he pulled this up, he told Broc and I that what we were seeing was very RARE.  He also began to tell us, that he has never seen anything like this in all his years working there.  I began to shake uncontrolable.......nurses began to surround me with warm blankets placing them on my body to try and help control the shaking. Nothing worked, my body was in complete shock and fear.  Dr. Stein basically told us there was no hope for Lane, and soon the air that was surround his heart will eventually kill him.  He told us that he was going to wait by Lane's bedside, and he told us that when it happens...its going to be quick.  I don't even know how to put into words how I felt.  Anger, hate, worry, fear, sadness. I felt it ALL.  He told us that we could wait for him to pass down there, or we could just wait in our room for a phone call.  At first, we tried to wait down in the NICU...Broc and I walked the halls...not 1 word was spoken. We didn't know how to process this, how do you even prepare for your sons death?? I had no clue.  Finally enough was enough, I had to let something out of me...So, I told Broc I needed to go back to my room, and we would just wait for that dreaded phone call that would tell us, our son has passed.  Once we entered our room, it was like everything just came out!  Weeping SO loudly that I know I woke up the rest of my unit up there.  I could not help it...I was screaming, WHY WHY WHY, why my baby???????? I didn't understand, and I never will.  Sadness began to turn into anger.  I was SO mad at God for doing this to me.  I went through so much, and for why?? Just to have my baby die?????  WHY!  At that point I started throwing things, kicking things...and hitting anything close to me to get whatever I was feeling deep within me OUT.  I have NEVER in my life felt such a dark, deep, ugly spirit all over me.  It was the spirit of DEATH.  Death was knocking on the door..just waiting for me to open.  At this point, I believe the devil himself was speaking to me.  He was telling me "get ready, get ready to say your goodbyes"  I felt him almost laughing in my face!!  I was SO mad at everything.  I had given up hope, as sad as it sounds. But, at that point I felt there was no hope. I didn't even want to get my hopes up, because the Doctor clearly made it a point that he didn't have much longer to live.  So why even try?  Just as soon as I would try and calm myself down from the deep weeping, then Broc would start.  I can't even tell you all how HARD it is to look at your husband..his heart filled with such sadness, and feeling hopeless.  He began to weep, and laid on the hospital floor BEGGING the Lord to save his baby boy!! "Lord please, I will do anything if you just save my SON" There was so much desperation in his voice....We didn't even know what to say to each other.  Our room was filled with crying, and sadness.  Broc began calling our family members to let them know the "news".   It was horrible letting everyone know, that soon....we would be saying goodbye to this beautiful life we just met.  I wanted my Mom and Dad and sisters there to help me with this process.  I knew it wouldn't be easy for them, but I wanted them there so they could say goodbye to him too.  About after an hour, we still hadn't got a phone call.  I was so sick of the waiting process, I finally told Broc to call down and see what was going on. When he called, the nurse handed the phone over to Dr. Stein. He wanted to talk to Broc personally.  This is also RARE.  He told Broc that he hated to say it, but he was actually stable at the moment.  This gave us SOME hope, but very LITTLE.  He said he was still going to wait by his bedside for the rest of the time.  About an hour later my Mom and Dad got there, my dad wrapped his arms around me and we both began to sob.  No one knew what to say to me to make me feel better.  And honestly, no matter what anyone said...it never made it better.  Shortly after that, my sisters arrived.  It was hard seeing them, just because I knew it was hard for them to see their baby sister like this.  All 3 of them gathered around me and they all wrapped their arms around me and we began to cry.  No one knew what to do besides cry..and weep.  Such a sadness and depressive spirit was in that hospital room.  

The wait continued...Lane was still alive after 3 hours.  Still I was afraid to feel like there was some hope.  I never waited my hopes to get up, and then be stripped away from me so quickly.  My Dad looked at Broc and asked if he wanted to go down to see Lane.  Broc agreed to go down with him, and while they were down there, they wrapped their arms around Lanes incubator and began to proclaim LIFE!  They came back up, and told me that Lane was looking good, better than yesterday.  He was now on a ventilator, and that was doing most of the work for him, so he didn't look like he was struggling like he did the day before.  I still couldn't get the courage to go down and look at him.  It wasn't until halfway through the day before I could enough courage to go down and take a peek at my baby boy.  As I entered his room, I began to sob again.  He had SO much all over him......so many tubes, ventilator, chest tube, ivs, monitors.....it was SO sad to see him in that condition.  As a mother, I felt extremely helpless that I couldn't do anything to take his pain and suffering away.  All I could do was just look at him. HELPLESS!  As the day went on, Lane seemed to be stable.  It continued on to the next day and Lane was still with us, PRAISE GOD.  I couldn't believe he lived another day, after the talk we had with Dr. Stein.  So many people were praying for the Lord to touch this little boys life and heath, and he did.  Over 1,000 people at one time were praying for LANE!!! How amazing.  Each day, Lane starting making small steps to recovery!!  This little boy was a MIRACLE, and nothing short of it!!!!!!!!!!  The Lord spared Lanes life, and what was meant for DEATH..is NO MORE!! He is alive and doing well.  Today is Christmas Eve..and Lane is doing great!  He is off of the ventilator, no chest tube, no oxygen, no more incubator.  He now only has a feeding tube, and is hooked up to monitors.  Listen people, this is nothing short of a miracle!!! I don't know how anyone cannot believe in God after this!!  Nurses and doctors come into his room just to see him, because they cannot believe he is still alive and doing well!!!!!!  We give ALL glory to the Lord, I had given up hope....if it wasn't for the prayers of all of you, Lane may have taken his last breath here on the face of the earth.  The Lord has shown favor to Lane, and I believe he is going to be a special little boy.  I pray the Lord uses Lanes testimony to lead others to the Lord.  He is a miracle baby :)   Thank you to everyone who prayed for my son, and who continues to pray. He still has a ways to go before heading home, so thanks again for your continued prayers.  I pray the Lord blesses all of you ALL the days of your life.  This Christmas, I have the best present a mother could ask for........LIFE for my baby boy, LANE :)  I love you all...and God bless!!!!!  Here are some pics of Lane through the rough times and good times.

Days 22-23:" I'll be your miracle."

Hey everyone, today is a little different blog.  I just got done doing some devotionals, and the Lord has really spoke to me to share some things.  I remember when my dad had left me after my second night of being here. I was still in the ICU, and when he left he said "Meg, let the Lord show you what he wants you to learn through this."  Well, now that I'm nearing almost a month of being here, and am slowly learning what the Lord wants me to learn through all of this.  For awhile, I have been asking the Lord to draw me closer to him.  Although I knew I was saved, I still had the longing to be closer with the Lord.  Now a days, you get so wrapped up with everything....kids, facebook, tv, sports programs, school. Sometimes we too caught up in all of that stuff, and don't make enough time to spend in our word, or just spending time with Jesus.  I am guilty of this, and even though I was asking the Lord to draw me closer to him, I believe it was me who was holding everything back! I was the reason why I was not getting closer to the Lord because I chose to do other things.  Why would the Lord want to do all these things for me, when I can't even make time for him. And trust me, there is always time.  Well, while I'm here at Toledo, I am getting closer to the Lord.  On the days where I feel so alone, like today, I get in my word..and turn on some worship music.  I then realize, I am not alone...when no one else is here, he ALWAYS is.  Right in my room.... I feel his presence here, its so comforting.
Today during devotions I was reading about "The grace to handle it".   The Lord gives us grace to make it through the hard times.  God gives us "more grace" when we are walking through the fiery trials. Our perspective changes when we catch a glimpse of the purpose of Christ.  If I would take that away, then this would be nothing more than a bitter, terrible experience.  Suffering comes in many forms, but his GRACE will always be there to carry us through.  There would be no way I could get through this situation without Gods grace.  Grace is a gift from the Lord, but it comes with one condition - like any gift, you have to reach out and take it. Thank you Lord, for your grace.  
I also read about "Seeing the hand of God in it." Some days I can be fearful here, but the Lord does not want us to fear.  I pray the Lord helps me see his hand at work in what I am going through.  He never promises us to REMOVE us from our struggles, but he does promise to change the way we look at them.  I am learning that I need to see the Lords hand in all of this, not as a horrible situation for me and my baby boy, but as something I am going through to draw closer to my heavenly father.  I know he has his "hand" on this whole situation.  For now on, I will not pray that the Lord removes me from all this trouble, but I will pray that he lets me see his hand in this whole situation.  
I am not perfect, and I do complain on some days, but I am so thankful the Lord has been with me the whole time.  Even in my darkest nights, hes beside me saying "come here,child...I'll hold you" "I am with you"  I thank the Lord for being my best friend while I'm going through this hard journey. I couldn't do it without him. 

Listen to this song, and the words....when I'm down and out, and my faith is shaken, and I feel I can't go on any longer...I KNOW, Jesus will be my miracle!! :)  He will be the one to help me make it through.   Thanks everyone for your continued prayers!!!  Hope this song blesses anyone who needs the Lord in any difficult situation....

Days 17-21: Three full weeks at the Toledo Hospital!!

Hey guys!!!  Sunday made 3 full weeks that I've been here at the Toledo hospital.  It's been so hard being so far away from all my family, and friends..but, I know this is the best place for Lane and I to be for the remainder of my pregnancy.  I came in here at 28wks pregnant, so scared...not knowing what was going to happen next.  They thought I could have Lane within the hour of when I got there, no one really knew.  So, with that being said, no I do not like being here, but at the same time I'm so thankful to be 3 weeks further along in my pregnancy!!  I hope for many more weeks to come for Lanes sake.  Sure can't wait to meet that beautiful boy, hold him in my arms, stare in his eyes..and to know, its all over..
The last 4 or 5 days for the most part have been pretty uneventful, which is awesome.  But on Thursday night, I did have another scare.  It was probably around 9:30-10:00pm when I started feeling some cramping, that led to feeling some contractions.  I rolled over to my left side and started drinking some water, thinking it would go away.  But, it actually only became worse.  I knew it was time to hit my "call" button, and let the nurses know what I was feeling.  My nurse came in quickly and I told her I was cramping and was having contractions that were taking my breath away and was extremely uncomfortable.  I wasn't bleeding, so it was weird that all of this came out of no where.  At first, I thought maybe I was was wrong, and nothing was going on. But, I knew I didn't feel normal.  My nurse hooked me up to the monitors, and almost right away you could see the contractions showing up, and TONS of irritability!!  On the screen, the irritability in the uterus just looks like a bunch of hills going up and down, sort of like contractions, but it just happens constantly.   My line for contractions were going crazy!! So I started to worry a little bit, but figured things would calm down soon.  They left me on the monitors for about 2 hours.  By that time, it was probably midnight.  Two residents came down to talk to me about what was going on, and they thought since I was not bleeding, and the contractions were not becoming regular, that it would be ok to take me off the monitors for a little bit and see what happens.  They said that sometimes when you are on the monitors that long, it can irritate things with those belts they strap on ya so tight around your belly.  Well, no sooner than them taking my belts off, I heard some talking at my door. Didn't really think anything of it.  Well, I was wrong.  It was the on call Doctor talking to my residents and my nurse.  The doctor said she wanted me to be transferred right away to LABOR AND DELIVERY!  When I heard the news, I was SHOCKED, and scared!!  Just when I thought things were going to be ok, in walks the doctor and wants me to be transferred.  So, it wasn't even 5 minutes and they brought a wheel chair in and wheeled me down to Labor and Delivery.  Once I was down there, they put me back on the monitors, and then started my IV drip.  I felt so lonely, and scared down there.  I knew no one, and things were so different down there than what they are here in my unit.  I so badly just wanted to go back to my room.  I feel so "safe" there, and since I've been here for 3 weeks, its become my home, and I was so sad to be stripped away from it!! Not to mention, the bed I was in at Labor and Delivery was horrible...there was NO way I was getting any sleep. And I didn't. Not a minute!!  To make a long story short, things didn't start to slow down until about 4 or 5a.m.  I was still having the irritability in the uterus, but the contractions were becoming less frequent.  Every time a nurse came in, I asked them when I would be able to go back to my room. I just so badly wanted out of that department, and back to my "safe" spot.  The doctors came in the morning around 7 or 8, and since there was no bleeding, they said it would be ok to go back to my old room.  It was music to my ears!!!!!!!  I'm so thankful that the Lord decided that Thursday night or Friday morning was NOT the time to have LANE. 
Then the weekend was here, I live for the weekends.  I know that once I make it through a full week, that by Friday my family comes that night!! So Friday night I had a big crowd of family up here, and nothing makes me more happy.  The Lord has blessed me with awesome family that I adore, love, and care for.  They are the best :)   Time went by SO quickly though!!! It's crazy when you get a bunch of us together chatting how quickly time goes by.  I was sad to see them leave, but so thankful they took time out of their schedule just to drive up here to see me! 
My boys and my husband stayed at the Ronald McDonald house again this weekend. So, I got to see them Friday night, Saturday, and then just for a little bit on Sunday before they travel back home to get ready for the week.  Sundays are always a sad day for me.  I try not to be that way, but when you are with your family all weekend, it's always hard to see them go...especially knowing I have another week (hopefully) to get through.  So, it was about 1:30, and I said my goodbyes to my boys and hubby.  Logan had a hard time leaving again, and started crying, and just wanted to stay with momma :(  I was doing great until he started to cry, but I was strong for him and only let a couple tears come down... I whispered in his ear "be tuff, buddy..mommy loves you." and sure enough, he was tough, and wiped his tears away and they headed out the door. 
Now starts another week!!  Keep praying for me and Lane.  Don't forget about us, people!!! Pray the Lord continues to keep us both safe, and that the contractions stay AWAY, the cramping stays AWAY, and the bleeding stays AWAY!!! Also, they are thinking around the middle of Jan. to deliver me (if I make it that far.)  If I do make it, that means I still have a LONG road ahead of me.  Pray the Lord makes the days and nights go fast...I'm beyond the point of ready to be home for my family!!!!  But, like I said, I'm here for as long as I can be to make sure Lane is at his best when he comes out :)  Thanks again for all the prayers, thoughts and concerns.  We love you are dearly! God bless..........

Days 14-16: Hospital life is becoming "normal"

Hey everyone, thought I would give another update on my past 3 days here.  Not too much has gone on, so that's always a good thing when you are here and are in this situation. 
On Sunday, the boys and my husband came here for just a little bit, after leaving the Ronald Mcdonald house.  They didn't stay very long, pretty much to pick up my room and just visit for a little bit.  I will admit, it wasn't the easiest saying goodbye to them after spending a long weekend with them.  I tried to not cry, and did a really good job! I knew if I would cry, that would only make it harder on them leaving, and especially Logan.  After they left, I did cry a little bit, just knowing I'm going back to my everyday routine, with little to no family life :(  Once I kicked myself into gear and put my game face on, I was fine, and by supper time I was back to my normal self. A little more grumpy than normal, but hey...I think I'm allowed to be grumpy some days, right?? lol. 
Monday was a new day and I woke up feeling good, and ready to start my new week.  Every new week I start is only another week longer I am HOPEFULLY pregnant.  I was just chillin all morning laying back, watching some tv.  My sleep schedule is so screwed up here, that by morning time, I wish I could just take another nap! I do try sometimes, but that is pretty much impossible here.  I have never met with SO many doctors in my whole life.  I see about 3 doctors a day, sometimes more.  Then you have my nurse coming in almost every hour to check on something, then the cleaning lady, the dietitian, midwifes, and people they hire to check on patients who have long stays here to "talk" to make sure we aren't going insane! lol  So, yes..naps are actually very rare here.  Mondays are also my ultrasound days.  Nothing big, but they want to check the fluid around the baby every week to make sure it's still at a good amount.  I always look forward to these days, because I get to travel outside of my room! Mom came up on Monday for her morning/afternoon visit, and I thought she was going to miss the ultrasound, but she didn't.  I was glad she got to go with me, especially this time, because the nurse let us had a small peak at Lane in 3D.  It was pretty awesome feeling to actually "see" him. Mom and I both let some tears fall as we looked at the beautiful new life that was forming inside of me.  Lane is looking great, and he has NO clue what mommy is going through. He is just baking away :)  Here are a couple pics from Monday : 

                                

Seeing him on Monday made me so happy!!!  Then she checked my placenta, and says "wow, if that isn't complete placenta previa, I don't know what is"  She could see CLEARLY my placenta was directly over my cervix.  And proceeded to tell me "Thats not going anywhere!"   Every time I see my placenta on the ultrasound and see that it hasn't moved at all is always discouraging and sorta freaky.  It scares me to see it lying there knowing what it could do if something bad were to happen.  It always just makes things "real" for me again.  Like I said before, I am in the right place and I NEED to be here.  This situation is scary, and everyday I worry about bleeding, and the fear of them ripping my baby out of me.  I am learning to trust the Lord and place things in his hands.  This is nothing I can control. It just happened, and yes it is scary and I do worry, but I know that no matter the situation, the Lord is the one in control.  I believe he will take care of both of us, and he will give me my hearts desires as long as I trust and believe he will.  All of us need some more childlike faith.  That's why I always want little children to pray for me.. when little kids pray, they really believe Jesus can heal me and take care of me.  We all need to be like children, and have faith the Lord can do things that seem impossible.  He is still the same God today as he always has been.  Healing blinded eyes, raising the dead, taking cancer away, or even healing a simple cold.  It's us that needs to "let go, and let God"  Rest in his peace and know he is taking care of everything. 
Monday night, I got to skype with Broc and the boys.  I noticed Logan was looking a little sad right away and as soon as I said "whats the matter, buddy??" he started to cry.  My poor Logan has finally hit a wall, and the "newness' of all of this is starting to wear off, and he is missing his mommy.  It was so sad to see him cry, and there was nothing I could do!! I so badly just wanted to reach through my computer screen and wrap my arms around him and tell him that everything was going to be ok.  He couldn't stop crying, so Broc and I talked and said it would be ok if he came up on Tuesday to come and see me.  That made it all better.  He was satisfied to hear he would get to see me the next day, and was excited!!!  Well, when Tuesday came, I guess the weather back home was getting bad, and our visit never happened :(  He was devastated when Broc told him the roads were too bad to come and see mommy.  It broke my heart to know he was so sad...and yet again, I couldn't do ANYTHING being so far away! That by far is the hardest part being here.  When my son is crying for me, and there is nothing I can do to make him feel better.  So, keep praying for my little sweetheart Logan..  Pray the Lord comforts him when he is needing in, and that he feels Mommy's love everyday.
Also on Tuesday, I had a great visit with my best friend Jamie Welch, and her beautiful new baby girl, Avery.  It was so nice to see BOTH of them after what it seemed like had been forever.  As we were talking, and she was explaining her feelings of when she was in the hospital (for preterm labor), it was like she was reading my mind.  I don't share some of the thoughts that go through my mind, but she had already known them.  Though our situations are different, she has been through the rough hospital stay, and the scary days of not knowing what is going to happen next.  I love that girl, and I'm so thankful the Lord has placed her in my life.  Not only we were best friends growing up, but now as adults. Now more than ever, I realized a love between friends....she cares for me, prays for me, is concerned for me, and is there for me when I need her.  She is more like family than a friend.  I thank the Lord she is still my friend, especially at this time in my life.
She gave me this song to listen to, and it brought MANY tears to my eyes.  Lane is worth it all..he is going to be worth all the tears I have cried, and all my fears I have faced. Listen to the words..

Thanks again to everyone who is praying. I am STILL overwhelmed with all the letters, emails, cards...you are all SO great.   May the Lord bless you all the days of your life.  Love you!! :)

Days 10-13: Yay for family!!!:)

Hey everyone, sorry I got a little behind on my blogs.  That may tend to happen every now and then.  My family was up here from Thursday-Sunday, so I've been trying to just spend as much time with them as I possibly can.  I think we left off on Wednesday???  I'm starting to get confused with my days lol.  Wednesday was a good day, I had some slight spotting, but it was starting to become less and less, and by the time the day was over, it was pretty much not there at all!!  On Wednesday, they wanted me to start a new medication.  It's called procardia.  The doctors told me they didn't want me to keep spotting, and keep contracting, so this is supposed to help with that.  It should also help with the cramping I have been having.  I've been on it now for 4 days, and so far it seems to be working, but no one is for sure yet.  They said it either works, or it doesn't work.  But, they figured it wouldn't hurt to try it.  Since blood is an irritant, even if its a small amount, it causes me to start to contract.  Since I have a history of bleeding, they want to try and hold off the contractions as much as possible so this baby can bake for awhile longer! :)    Later that night, Kristen and Amber came up for a visit!! I'm so glad they did.  It felt so nice to just have a girls conversation, talking non stop.  For a while, I forgot I was even at the hospital! (that's always a great thing to forget!!)  So, I was thankful they stopped by for a night visit.......made my night FLY by and soon enough it was time for bed, and another day has passed.  I have just been taking things day by day. So, every day that ends, only means a new day is going to begin.  Which also means another day pregnant!! :) 
Thursday was Thanksgiving.  I woke up sad to know I would be missing yet another family Thanksgiving.  I had already missed my Moms, and that killed me...And now, I would be missing Broc's grandmas thanksgiving.  His family is just like my family to me, they love me, care for me, and we always have a good time there.  I was sad that I was missing my boys enjoy their time with their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents...but I knew it had to be done.  I am so thankful that my parents and my sister Jessica came up to spend the day with me.  If they wouldn't have, I'm afraid I would of pouted and been sad all day :(  But, once they came, it brightened my day to see family here and to know I wouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving.  Holidays are hard to miss, especially when you see and hear everyone talking about it, and sharing their plans, and I am stuck here..
I had asked my sister to bring me some black Friday adds, just because that's always a tradition for us at Grandmas to go through all the adds and find stuff we want/need to buy on black Friday.  Although I knew I wasn't going to do any black Friday shopping (yes it KILLED me) I still wanted to look at the adds, and pretend!! lol.  My parents and sisters stayed all day long, and later Broc and the boys came up.  I was so excited.  My week went by pretty quick, because I knew if I go through Wednesday, that Thursday was right around the corner, and I was able to spend Thursday night, Friday, and Saturday with my hubby and my boys!!!!!  Thursday night went by so quickly, and the boys snuggled their mommy and then headed off for their first night at the Ronald McDonald house.  I kept telling Logan that they needed to sneak mommy out of the hospital, and kidnap me and take me with them!!!  It was so nice knowing they were so close, yet I still wanted so badly to just go there with them and sleep together and be a "real" family again.  I didn't realize how much I would miss putting the boys to bed, and then going to bed with my hubby.  I miss sleeping with him by my side.  I haven't slept alone since I moved out of my parents house, so its so different going to bed alone each night.
In morning, (friday),  I woke up to my normal routine of getting poked, vitals, and monitoring. About an hour later, doctors came in and sorta discussed a "plan" in a round about way.  Nothing can be set in stone yet, only because  no one really knows what's going to happen to me from day to day.  I may be not bleeding at all one day, and the next, I could have a serious bleed.  So, no one really knows..but, they did discuss with me a round about time that they would schedule a c section.  Right now, they are thinking 36wks.  They said I will be lucky if I get there, but If I do, the baby should be pretty good by then, and hopefully will need no extra help.  They had talked about doing a amniocentesis to check to see if the baby's lungs were developed then, and I assume if they are, then they will go ahead and schedule the day for the c section.  They clearly let me know that it is still a LONG road a head before they make anything "permanent", but they just wanted to let me know a round about time.  He told me I need to mentally prepare myself for being here at the hospital for Christmas. He said its going to be tough, but thats what has to happen.  And yes, it will be tough spending Christmas here without a doubt, but I also know this is the best place for me and Lane to be staying.  We do have a long road a head of us (hopefully) and I'm willing and determined to do whatever it takes.  I will do anything the doctors tell me to do as long as I know its helping Lane and I. 
The boys and Broc came back from the Ronald Mcdonald house after they ate breakfast here, and we just spend all day being a family.  It was wonderful.  We have toys here so the boys can play and try to stay as busy as possible, and Broc does a great job with giving them "breaks" from being in a small room for so long, and will take them to get snacks, lunch, supper...It breaks up their time a little bit.  My favorite time was just chillin out laying down with both boys.  One on each arm :)  It didn't matter how uncomfortable I was, at least I was with the loves of my life!!  Lukie fell asleep with his head against my chest, and I was seriously loving every minute of it.  You miss those time when you are away from it for days!!
Saturday was also a great day. Spend the day with the boys here, and later the Moore's came up for a visit. I hadn't seen any of Amanda and Jeremy's kids yet since I've been here, so I really MISSED them!! They all walked in with huge smiles, and we handing out hugs and kisses for their aunt Megan :)  I sure do love those kiddos.  Even though it sounded like a zoo in my room, (as my nurse said) lol, I wouldn't of had it any other way! I miss the crazy family times, its way better than a quiet room!!!   It also made my time fly by, so that's always a good thing.  Once they left, an hour or so later we had another visit from Brocs parents and Glen and Connie.  The boys were excited to see their grandparents, and Luke loved throwing the football back and forth with the Grundens.  So, Saturday was another good day!! :)
I'm so thankful to still be here, no, it is NOT fun...but its been 2 weeks longer than when I first got here. So, that means Lane is 2 weeks further along, so for that, I am HAPPY!  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE....keep praying for us!!!  We have a long road ahead of us...spending all of the holidays here, and my birthday. Pray the Lord gets me through the rough days, and gets me through each day with NO bleeding.  I have been doing so good this week, and its because of the prayers from you guys!! So, keep it up! :) I appreciate so much more than you guys will ever know....and so does LANE! :) 
Love you all, and God bless!!!  

Day 9: Slight complications.

Hey everyone, still hanging in there!!  Yesterday was a little bit complicated, but by the time it was time for bed, everything was fine.  Monday night, I had noticed some slight cramping, and when I stood up to go to the bathroom I felt something, and realized I was spotting again.  I was nervous that this was the beginning of something bad because of the cramping I was having.  I hadn't had any kind of spotting for 3 days, so I was a little bit concerned, but I tried not to worry.  I mentioned the cramping that night to my nurse, and also informed her that I was spotting again.  She wanted to just make sure everything was ok, so she hooked me up on the monitors to see how the baby was doing, and to see if I was having any contractions.  After about 20 mins of being on the monitors, she saw that the baby was doing great, but did notice I was having some contractions, but they were not regular, so she wasn't concerned.   She marked it on my charts to tell the doctor what was going on so he knew what was happening in case he wanted to do anything different.  I slept through the night pretty good that night, and woke up still cramping, and noticed the bleeding was a little heavier, but nothing as to what it has been before.  When the doctor came in for his morning check on me, he said he didn't really like what was going on, and thought it would be a good idea to get me back on the monitors.  He wanted to watch the baby and contractions for an  hour, and if everything looked ok, then I could get off of them.  He wasn't sure if something more was going to happen here soon within hours, or weeks...or nothing at all! I was hoping for the NOTHING at all!!  After being on the monitors for an hour, the baby was looking great, which is always good, but I was starting to have some contractions.  So, they kept me on for another hour making sure they weren't becoming more frequent and more intense.   After the 2 hours, they reviewed over it and saw I was having some contractions, but nothing regular at all.  And since I'm 30 wks now, I will be starting to have some contractions.  They said that blood is a irritant, and that's why it makes me contract.  So, the more I bleed, the more contractions I'm going to have, so they want to prevent that.  I am very glad to be at a place that is EXTREAMLY cautious, and concerned when I am concerned.   They have seen everything here, and they have seen what can happen in this situation with complete previa, so I'm so glad they are cautious when I tell them my concerns and how I'm feeling.  They for sure do not just shove it aside, but they truly listen to how I'm feeling, and want to make it better.  So, I am really thankful for that.  By supper time, or a little after, the cramping was starting to go away.  I asked if it would be ok to shower, and she said yes, so I knew then that everything was ok.. I knew they wouldn't let me get up to shower if they thought something was going to happen.  Thankfully, the rest of the night I felt pretty normal and my worries began to fade.  Its always a horrible feeling when something happens, its hard to explain.  My whole mind is placed on "what if???" But, I'm learning to put my trust in the Lord, and in the nurses and doctors here.  I know that I am in a safe place, and that if anything "bad" does happen, I am with people who are experienced and know what they are doing.  So, I'm thankful to make it through that day with nothing more than a little spotting and some contractions.  Still another day pregnant, and that always makes me feel good!!! :)   Please keep praying that bleeding episodes STAY AWAY, they are very scary, and make me feel helpless and worried.  I cannot say it enough but THANK YOU to those who have helped out in any way, whether it be words of encouragement, financial, emotional, prayers...whatever it make be, please know I feel so blessed.  The Lord has blessed us with a great community, family, friends, and co-workers (husbands co-workers)  Thanks again, God bless.

day 8 continued.....

Once I laid on my left side, things seemed to calm down.  So just keep me in your prayers that the spotting just stays minimal.  As of now, they are not concerned about it at all, and it's sorta normal to see off and on with this previa.  Sorry about this blog, while I was in the middle of doing it, my nurse put me on the monitors and I quickly published it without thinking, and I wasn't even finished. So I'm sure you will see lots of errors in it!! Sorry :)   That's all for now, folks!!!! Love you all!!!!