Good morning everyone! Yesterday was another, "lower than a snakes belly" type of day. Friday was SUCH a good day for me, and it felt so weird to be so happy one day, and the next day be totally down and out. i haven't been sleeping good the past 2 days, and I hadn't slept good at all the night before. I wake up with my left hip throbbing for some reason, its starting to drive me nuts. Logan and Daddy had stayed with me that night, and were heading home in the morning. Knowing this, I think it just made things hard to know I was going going to be alone all day. Yesterday was my Moms Thanksgiving. Broc and Logan were headed home in the morning so they could make it to the "feast", as Logan calls it. If anyone of you know my family, you know how close we are. So, with this being said, it was extremely hard to know my whole family was gathering today, as I lay in my hospital bed alone :( It was time for Logan and Broc to leave me, and I knew it wasn't going to be easy just because I so badly wanted to be walking out of my room with them. I started to bawl, I tried SO hard not too...but now a days, I find myself being so emotional. I can probably cry over anything!! So, it doesn't take much. I was just sad to see them go, and it was also hard to know where they were heading, because I felt I should get to go there too. Remember those feelings of anger I told you about in yesterdays blog???? Well, those feeling were raging loud and clear yesterday. I was angry that I had to be stuck here, that I was going to miss watching my kids play games, play with their cousins..and I even miss the little things, like getting their food ready for them. Thank goodness for skype, they hooked it up there at Moms house so I could see the kids and my family. I started crying talking to Taylor (my niece) I just couldn't hold it in anymore...I felt bad, because I don't think she knew what to do?? Poor girl. i tried to put on a happy face, when deep down , I was sad...and feeling so alone :( I couldn't do anything to shake off the heaviness I was feeling that day. I tried everything to get my minds off of things....it just wasn't working. No matter what I did, I knew my family was together for the holidays and I was missing out. Most of the day, I was laying down not doing anything but putting myself deeper in sadness, and it wasn't doing any good to do that!!! Sometimes, I feel like I need to "smack" myself and realize why I am here, and what my mission is. My mission is to keep this butt in bed, to keep me healthy, and most importantly keep baby Lane safe in my belly <3. It will be worth it all...All of the heartaches, lonely nights, lonely days...and all of my anger I feel sometimes, when I get my mission completed. A healthy me, and a healthy beautiful baby boy!!!! Soon, this will all be a distant memory to me. I have to realize this is not going to be my life for forever, and while I'm here I need to make the best of it, or else I'm going to go insane. I have had a few doctors come in recently, actually, one today...and ask me how I was doing, emotionally...and I explained to him that I have my good, and I have my bad days. He sorta scared me, because he's like..."well, we have someone here to talk about your feelings, and you need to do that if you have to, because you can go insane here." Well, I refuse to go insane lol. I will make it!! I know I can do it, I just have to suck it up on those not so good days, and let my good days carry me through the rougher days here. I pray the Lord teaches me while I'm here, what he wants me to learn about this whole situation. Everything in life is a test, I really believe that. So, this is just another test.....it won't last for forever, and soon this will be over and I will get to be a wife, mommy, sister, daughter, and a friend again.
Keep praying everyone, pray the Lord carries us through!! Which I know he will, I never doubt him!!! Also, pray this time goes QUICK!!!!!! lol :)
God Bless you all...
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