Days 14-16: Hospital life is becoming "normal"

Hey everyone, thought I would give another update on my past 3 days here.  Not too much has gone on, so that's always a good thing when you are here and are in this situation. 
On Sunday, the boys and my husband came here for just a little bit, after leaving the Ronald Mcdonald house.  They didn't stay very long, pretty much to pick up my room and just visit for a little bit.  I will admit, it wasn't the easiest saying goodbye to them after spending a long weekend with them.  I tried to not cry, and did a really good job! I knew if I would cry, that would only make it harder on them leaving, and especially Logan.  After they left, I did cry a little bit, just knowing I'm going back to my everyday routine, with little to no family life :(  Once I kicked myself into gear and put my game face on, I was fine, and by supper time I was back to my normal self. A little more grumpy than normal, but hey...I think I'm allowed to be grumpy some days, right?? lol. 
Monday was a new day and I woke up feeling good, and ready to start my new week.  Every new week I start is only another week longer I am HOPEFULLY pregnant.  I was just chillin all morning laying back, watching some tv.  My sleep schedule is so screwed up here, that by morning time, I wish I could just take another nap! I do try sometimes, but that is pretty much impossible here.  I have never met with SO many doctors in my whole life.  I see about 3 doctors a day, sometimes more.  Then you have my nurse coming in almost every hour to check on something, then the cleaning lady, the dietitian, midwifes, and people they hire to check on patients who have long stays here to "talk" to make sure we aren't going insane! lol  So, yes..naps are actually very rare here.  Mondays are also my ultrasound days.  Nothing big, but they want to check the fluid around the baby every week to make sure it's still at a good amount.  I always look forward to these days, because I get to travel outside of my room! Mom came up on Monday for her morning/afternoon visit, and I thought she was going to miss the ultrasound, but she didn't.  I was glad she got to go with me, especially this time, because the nurse let us had a small peak at Lane in 3D.  It was pretty awesome feeling to actually "see" him. Mom and I both let some tears fall as we looked at the beautiful new life that was forming inside of me.  Lane is looking great, and he has NO clue what mommy is going through. He is just baking away :)  Here are a couple pics from Monday : 

                                

Seeing him on Monday made me so happy!!!  Then she checked my placenta, and says "wow, if that isn't complete placenta previa, I don't know what is"  She could see CLEARLY my placenta was directly over my cervix.  And proceeded to tell me "Thats not going anywhere!"   Every time I see my placenta on the ultrasound and see that it hasn't moved at all is always discouraging and sorta freaky.  It scares me to see it lying there knowing what it could do if something bad were to happen.  It always just makes things "real" for me again.  Like I said before, I am in the right place and I NEED to be here.  This situation is scary, and everyday I worry about bleeding, and the fear of them ripping my baby out of me.  I am learning to trust the Lord and place things in his hands.  This is nothing I can control. It just happened, and yes it is scary and I do worry, but I know that no matter the situation, the Lord is the one in control.  I believe he will take care of both of us, and he will give me my hearts desires as long as I trust and believe he will.  All of us need some more childlike faith.  That's why I always want little children to pray for me.. when little kids pray, they really believe Jesus can heal me and take care of me.  We all need to be like children, and have faith the Lord can do things that seem impossible.  He is still the same God today as he always has been.  Healing blinded eyes, raising the dead, taking cancer away, or even healing a simple cold.  It's us that needs to "let go, and let God"  Rest in his peace and know he is taking care of everything. 
Monday night, I got to skype with Broc and the boys.  I noticed Logan was looking a little sad right away and as soon as I said "whats the matter, buddy??" he started to cry.  My poor Logan has finally hit a wall, and the "newness' of all of this is starting to wear off, and he is missing his mommy.  It was so sad to see him cry, and there was nothing I could do!! I so badly just wanted to reach through my computer screen and wrap my arms around him and tell him that everything was going to be ok.  He couldn't stop crying, so Broc and I talked and said it would be ok if he came up on Tuesday to come and see me.  That made it all better.  He was satisfied to hear he would get to see me the next day, and was excited!!!  Well, when Tuesday came, I guess the weather back home was getting bad, and our visit never happened :(  He was devastated when Broc told him the roads were too bad to come and see mommy.  It broke my heart to know he was so sad...and yet again, I couldn't do ANYTHING being so far away! That by far is the hardest part being here.  When my son is crying for me, and there is nothing I can do to make him feel better.  So, keep praying for my little sweetheart Logan..  Pray the Lord comforts him when he is needing in, and that he feels Mommy's love everyday.
Also on Tuesday, I had a great visit with my best friend Jamie Welch, and her beautiful new baby girl, Avery.  It was so nice to see BOTH of them after what it seemed like had been forever.  As we were talking, and she was explaining her feelings of when she was in the hospital (for preterm labor), it was like she was reading my mind.  I don't share some of the thoughts that go through my mind, but she had already known them.  Though our situations are different, she has been through the rough hospital stay, and the scary days of not knowing what is going to happen next.  I love that girl, and I'm so thankful the Lord has placed her in my life.  Not only we were best friends growing up, but now as adults. Now more than ever, I realized a love between friends....she cares for me, prays for me, is concerned for me, and is there for me when I need her.  She is more like family than a friend.  I thank the Lord she is still my friend, especially at this time in my life.
She gave me this song to listen to, and it brought MANY tears to my eyes.  Lane is worth it all..he is going to be worth all the tears I have cried, and all my fears I have faced. Listen to the words..

Thanks again to everyone who is praying. I am STILL overwhelmed with all the letters, emails, cards...you are all SO great.   May the Lord bless you all the days of your life.  Love you!! :)

Days 10-13: Yay for family!!!:)

Hey everyone, sorry I got a little behind on my blogs.  That may tend to happen every now and then.  My family was up here from Thursday-Sunday, so I've been trying to just spend as much time with them as I possibly can.  I think we left off on Wednesday???  I'm starting to get confused with my days lol.  Wednesday was a good day, I had some slight spotting, but it was starting to become less and less, and by the time the day was over, it was pretty much not there at all!!  On Wednesday, they wanted me to start a new medication.  It's called procardia.  The doctors told me they didn't want me to keep spotting, and keep contracting, so this is supposed to help with that.  It should also help with the cramping I have been having.  I've been on it now for 4 days, and so far it seems to be working, but no one is for sure yet.  They said it either works, or it doesn't work.  But, they figured it wouldn't hurt to try it.  Since blood is an irritant, even if its a small amount, it causes me to start to contract.  Since I have a history of bleeding, they want to try and hold off the contractions as much as possible so this baby can bake for awhile longer! :)    Later that night, Kristen and Amber came up for a visit!! I'm so glad they did.  It felt so nice to just have a girls conversation, talking non stop.  For a while, I forgot I was even at the hospital! (that's always a great thing to forget!!)  So, I was thankful they stopped by for a night visit.......made my night FLY by and soon enough it was time for bed, and another day has passed.  I have just been taking things day by day. So, every day that ends, only means a new day is going to begin.  Which also means another day pregnant!! :) 
Thursday was Thanksgiving.  I woke up sad to know I would be missing yet another family Thanksgiving.  I had already missed my Moms, and that killed me...And now, I would be missing Broc's grandmas thanksgiving.  His family is just like my family to me, they love me, care for me, and we always have a good time there.  I was sad that I was missing my boys enjoy their time with their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents...but I knew it had to be done.  I am so thankful that my parents and my sister Jessica came up to spend the day with me.  If they wouldn't have, I'm afraid I would of pouted and been sad all day :(  But, once they came, it brightened my day to see family here and to know I wouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving.  Holidays are hard to miss, especially when you see and hear everyone talking about it, and sharing their plans, and I am stuck here..
I had asked my sister to bring me some black Friday adds, just because that's always a tradition for us at Grandmas to go through all the adds and find stuff we want/need to buy on black Friday.  Although I knew I wasn't going to do any black Friday shopping (yes it KILLED me) I still wanted to look at the adds, and pretend!! lol.  My parents and sisters stayed all day long, and later Broc and the boys came up.  I was so excited.  My week went by pretty quick, because I knew if I go through Wednesday, that Thursday was right around the corner, and I was able to spend Thursday night, Friday, and Saturday with my hubby and my boys!!!!!  Thursday night went by so quickly, and the boys snuggled their mommy and then headed off for their first night at the Ronald McDonald house.  I kept telling Logan that they needed to sneak mommy out of the hospital, and kidnap me and take me with them!!!  It was so nice knowing they were so close, yet I still wanted so badly to just go there with them and sleep together and be a "real" family again.  I didn't realize how much I would miss putting the boys to bed, and then going to bed with my hubby.  I miss sleeping with him by my side.  I haven't slept alone since I moved out of my parents house, so its so different going to bed alone each night.
In morning, (friday),  I woke up to my normal routine of getting poked, vitals, and monitoring. About an hour later, doctors came in and sorta discussed a "plan" in a round about way.  Nothing can be set in stone yet, only because  no one really knows what's going to happen to me from day to day.  I may be not bleeding at all one day, and the next, I could have a serious bleed.  So, no one really knows..but, they did discuss with me a round about time that they would schedule a c section.  Right now, they are thinking 36wks.  They said I will be lucky if I get there, but If I do, the baby should be pretty good by then, and hopefully will need no extra help.  They had talked about doing a amniocentesis to check to see if the baby's lungs were developed then, and I assume if they are, then they will go ahead and schedule the day for the c section.  They clearly let me know that it is still a LONG road a head before they make anything "permanent", but they just wanted to let me know a round about time.  He told me I need to mentally prepare myself for being here at the hospital for Christmas. He said its going to be tough, but thats what has to happen.  And yes, it will be tough spending Christmas here without a doubt, but I also know this is the best place for me and Lane to be staying.  We do have a long road a head of us (hopefully) and I'm willing and determined to do whatever it takes.  I will do anything the doctors tell me to do as long as I know its helping Lane and I. 
The boys and Broc came back from the Ronald Mcdonald house after they ate breakfast here, and we just spend all day being a family.  It was wonderful.  We have toys here so the boys can play and try to stay as busy as possible, and Broc does a great job with giving them "breaks" from being in a small room for so long, and will take them to get snacks, lunch, supper...It breaks up their time a little bit.  My favorite time was just chillin out laying down with both boys.  One on each arm :)  It didn't matter how uncomfortable I was, at least I was with the loves of my life!!  Lukie fell asleep with his head against my chest, and I was seriously loving every minute of it.  You miss those time when you are away from it for days!!
Saturday was also a great day. Spend the day with the boys here, and later the Moore's came up for a visit. I hadn't seen any of Amanda and Jeremy's kids yet since I've been here, so I really MISSED them!! They all walked in with huge smiles, and we handing out hugs and kisses for their aunt Megan :)  I sure do love those kiddos.  Even though it sounded like a zoo in my room, (as my nurse said) lol, I wouldn't of had it any other way! I miss the crazy family times, its way better than a quiet room!!!   It also made my time fly by, so that's always a good thing.  Once they left, an hour or so later we had another visit from Brocs parents and Glen and Connie.  The boys were excited to see their grandparents, and Luke loved throwing the football back and forth with the Grundens.  So, Saturday was another good day!! :)
I'm so thankful to still be here, no, it is NOT fun...but its been 2 weeks longer than when I first got here. So, that means Lane is 2 weeks further along, so for that, I am HAPPY!  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE....keep praying for us!!!  We have a long road ahead of us...spending all of the holidays here, and my birthday. Pray the Lord gets me through the rough days, and gets me through each day with NO bleeding.  I have been doing so good this week, and its because of the prayers from you guys!! So, keep it up! :) I appreciate so much more than you guys will ever know....and so does LANE! :) 
Love you all, and God bless!!!  

Day 9: Slight complications.

Hey everyone, still hanging in there!!  Yesterday was a little bit complicated, but by the time it was time for bed, everything was fine.  Monday night, I had noticed some slight cramping, and when I stood up to go to the bathroom I felt something, and realized I was spotting again.  I was nervous that this was the beginning of something bad because of the cramping I was having.  I hadn't had any kind of spotting for 3 days, so I was a little bit concerned, but I tried not to worry.  I mentioned the cramping that night to my nurse, and also informed her that I was spotting again.  She wanted to just make sure everything was ok, so she hooked me up on the monitors to see how the baby was doing, and to see if I was having any contractions.  After about 20 mins of being on the monitors, she saw that the baby was doing great, but did notice I was having some contractions, but they were not regular, so she wasn't concerned.   She marked it on my charts to tell the doctor what was going on so he knew what was happening in case he wanted to do anything different.  I slept through the night pretty good that night, and woke up still cramping, and noticed the bleeding was a little heavier, but nothing as to what it has been before.  When the doctor came in for his morning check on me, he said he didn't really like what was going on, and thought it would be a good idea to get me back on the monitors.  He wanted to watch the baby and contractions for an  hour, and if everything looked ok, then I could get off of them.  He wasn't sure if something more was going to happen here soon within hours, or weeks...or nothing at all! I was hoping for the NOTHING at all!!  After being on the monitors for an hour, the baby was looking great, which is always good, but I was starting to have some contractions.  So, they kept me on for another hour making sure they weren't becoming more frequent and more intense.   After the 2 hours, they reviewed over it and saw I was having some contractions, but nothing regular at all.  And since I'm 30 wks now, I will be starting to have some contractions.  They said that blood is a irritant, and that's why it makes me contract.  So, the more I bleed, the more contractions I'm going to have, so they want to prevent that.  I am very glad to be at a place that is EXTREAMLY cautious, and concerned when I am concerned.   They have seen everything here, and they have seen what can happen in this situation with complete previa, so I'm so glad they are cautious when I tell them my concerns and how I'm feeling.  They for sure do not just shove it aside, but they truly listen to how I'm feeling, and want to make it better.  So, I am really thankful for that.  By supper time, or a little after, the cramping was starting to go away.  I asked if it would be ok to shower, and she said yes, so I knew then that everything was ok.. I knew they wouldn't let me get up to shower if they thought something was going to happen.  Thankfully, the rest of the night I felt pretty normal and my worries began to fade.  Its always a horrible feeling when something happens, its hard to explain.  My whole mind is placed on "what if???" But, I'm learning to put my trust in the Lord, and in the nurses and doctors here.  I know that I am in a safe place, and that if anything "bad" does happen, I am with people who are experienced and know what they are doing.  So, I'm thankful to make it through that day with nothing more than a little spotting and some contractions.  Still another day pregnant, and that always makes me feel good!!! :)   Please keep praying that bleeding episodes STAY AWAY, they are very scary, and make me feel helpless and worried.  I cannot say it enough but THANK YOU to those who have helped out in any way, whether it be words of encouragement, financial, emotional, prayers...whatever it make be, please know I feel so blessed.  The Lord has blessed us with a great community, family, friends, and co-workers (husbands co-workers)  Thanks again, God bless.

day 8 continued.....

Once I laid on my left side, things seemed to calm down.  So just keep me in your prayers that the spotting just stays minimal.  As of now, they are not concerned about it at all, and it's sorta normal to see off and on with this previa.  Sorry about this blog, while I was in the middle of doing it, my nurse put me on the monitors and I quickly published it without thinking, and I wasn't even finished. So I'm sure you will see lots of errors in it!! Sorry :)   That's all for now, folks!!!! Love you all!!!!

Day 8: Sort of an exciting day, if you want to call it that :)

Good morning my dear friends :)  Just finished my 9th day of eating scrambled eggs for breakfast, aren't you all jealous????? hahaha.  Yesterday was a really good day, that even went by fairly quickly.  That doesn't happen too often around here, so I'm pretty pumped.  My morning started off dragging a little bit. I think its starting to wear on me getting woke up all the time, and starting my mornings super early!! They monitor the baby at midnight for 20 mins, so some nights I'm up till almost 1 am.  Then, they check my vitals in the middle of the night, and by 6 I'm up to get my blood sugar tested, take some medicine, and vitals.  So, its a lot of interupted sleep.  My mom was coming up for the day, so I had that to look foward to.  She arrived a little after 10 a.m.  Its always so nice to see her, and just having someone to talk to makes the minutes go by quickly!! I have a feeling me and my momma are gonna be pretty tight by the time this is all said and done :) And, I'm not complaining one bit!!!  Shortly after she got here, a nurse walked in with a wheel chair and sort of just stared at me. I was like "is that for me???" where am I going?? The doctor had said something about getting an ultrasound, but they never let me know for sure, but thats where I was headed.  I sat down in my wheel chair, and she wheeled me down the hallway, it felt SO nice!!! It was the first time in 8 days that I had been out of my room.  Who knew that could be so refreshing??  It even felt nice to feel like slight breeze on my face as she wheeled me down the hallway. Weird huh????  hahahaha.  I got an ultrasound, just a really quick one, to check the fluid levels around the baby.  I was pretty bummed when I asked "so is my placenta still completely covering my cervix?" and she actually did try and look for just a split second, and said she couldn't tell because my bladder was too full. I was sorta bummed, because even though the doctors and nurses dont even consider my placenta to move anymore, I still have a greater hope. My hope is in the Lord. I still believe he can move my placenta out of the way!!! I am going to have weekly ultrasounds just to check for the fluid, and I will probably be the annoying patient always asking about my placenta! :)  After that, we went back to our room for awhile....the nurses had said something about getting me a bigger room since I hopefully am going to be here for a prettttyyyy long time.  I felt blessed because I didn't even say anything about getting a big room, but they had already been looking to put me into one as soon as the other patient had left the bigger room.  My nurse came in and said they had given the lady in the bigger room her discharge papers, so once she leaves, and the room gets cleaned, that they would be moving me to that room! I was pretty excited!! :)  I felt sorta bad for the nurses having to move all my "junk" because over the past week, I have accumlated a lot of stuff!!!  So, being the good Mom that she is, packed all my stuff for me and pretty much got it all ready for the nurses to load onto the cart.  My mom left a little after 3, and then at 5:00pm I had supper.   They told me after supper, that they would start switching rooms for me.   The nurse came in with a cart, and loaded up all my stuff.  She came back with a wheelchair to transfer me to my  new room :) YAYYY, another wheel chair ride!!!!!  She opened the door to my new room, and I was pleased to see more space, and more chairs for my visitors!! And it even has 3 windows that I can see outside, and I can look at some trees :)  Little things make you happy in this place, let me tell ya :) 
That night my husband came up and my sister, Amanda.  They unpacked all my stuff for me, and got my room all ready for me!  They even put my pretty pictures back up on the wall...yay! 
There was only 1 small downside to my whole day...I did start to spot again while they were here visiting.  It made me a little nervous, I won't lie...but it wasn't a lot and I knew it was probably ok.  I informed my nurse that the spotting had come back, so she wanted to put me on the monitors for a little bit just to make sure the baby was looking good, and make sure I wasn't contracting.  I was on the montiors for about 15 minutes, and I was having some contractions but nothing that concerned her..but she did leave me on the monitors for about another 15 minutes just to make sure everything was looking ok.  I was having some slight cramping, so she just told me to relax and lay on my left side.  I pretty much just laid on my left side the rest of the night trying not to move at all,

Day 7: 1 full week at Toledo!!

Good morning everyone!! Yesterday marked 1 full week here at Toledo :)  Although it is not fun being here, I am so thankful for another week being pregnant!  Every week I am in here only means Lane is growing more, his lungs are getting more developed, and that's exactly what we need.  Last Sunday when I was transferred here from Defiance, the doctor here at Toledo was preparing for me to deliever within the HOUR.  He didn't know if I was going to do so, but he was getting everything ready in case I did have to deliver.  So, I am thankful I did not deliver that scary night, and I've made it a week here with baby still safe!!!!  Yesterday was also my third day with no bleeding and no spotting. So, thank you for the prayers..keep them coming, they seem to be working so far :)
Yesterday was a good day as in emotionally for me too.  I woke up knowing my boys and my husband would be leaving that morning to come up and spend their Sunday with me. So, that made things a lot easier.  They arrived here around 10 or so, I was laying down turned towards my tv, and in walks little Luke trying to sneak up on me with the cutest little smile EVER! It had been 5 days since I had seen him last, so I was beyond ready to give that little boy some lovin!!!!  He gave me a hug and a kiss right away...its like he knew just what I needed :)  I had a great day being a family again, it was so nice to just do little things, like, help Luke get a drink, share my lunch with him, and of course watch ELMO!  I never realized how badly I would miss watching that show hahaha.  We would watch that every morning at home together, and I miss those times.  Logan was also excited to see mommy again, and was full of "I love you's", kisses, and hugs! He's my little sweetheart that always wants to take care of his Mommy.  He wanted to stay the night with me again, but I explained to him that he had school in the morning and if Mommy and Daddy let him skip all the time, that we would get in trouble! lol..  Around 2, Luke was getting pretty tired, and even ended up taking a pretty good nap here. We were worried how he would handle being in such a little room for so long, but for the most part, he did really good.  Around 4 though, he had enough of this tiny room and was ready to GO!  Overall, I had a great day with my kids and hubby...I loved that us 4 got to be together again and just be a family :) 
Nothing much happened the rest of the day, because I was alone, so I'm sure you don't want to hear about my TV watching, Internet surfing, and facebook stalking...hahahaha!!  The most "exciting" thing of the night was getting a new IV.  And that really wasn't exciting, it was actually quite painful.  The nurses here have to change my IV every 4 days, (even though they left mine in for 7),  to reduce the risk of it getting infected since they will be in for a long period of time.  The nurse took my other one out, and started my new one and I was like GEEZZZ lady, are u sticking a garden hose in me????????  For some reason, this IV hurt, my other one didn't at all. I think its just placed in a bad area.  Its hard for me to bend my wrist to the right, and to move my thumb back. But I will manage.....Hopefully when my next IV is in, they will put it in a different spot, because I'm not a fan of this one.  Well, I think that pretty much wraps up my day!!  I was thankful for a good day yesterday emotionally because on Saturday it was not the case!! So, these good days really help!  Thanks again for your prayers...they seem to be working!! I am still praying for the Lord to move this placenta out of the way so I can go home, but if that's not the case, I'm praying for many more days here with NO bleeding!!  God bless all you...you all mean so much to us during this difficult time!!!

Day 6: Emotions, emotions, emotions...

Good morning everyone!  Yesterday was another, "lower than a snakes belly" type of day.  Friday was SUCH a good day for me, and it felt so weird to be so happy one day, and the next day be totally down and out.  i haven't been sleeping good the past 2 days, and I hadn't slept good at all the night before. I wake up with my left hip throbbing for some reason, its starting to drive me nuts.   Logan and Daddy had stayed with me that night, and were heading home in the morning. Knowing this, I think it just made things hard to know I was going going to be alone all day. Yesterday was my Moms Thanksgiving. Broc and Logan were headed home in the morning so they could make it to the "feast", as Logan calls it.  If anyone of you know my family, you know how close we are.  So, with this being said, it was extremely hard to know my whole family was gathering today, as I lay in my hospital bed alone :(  It was time for Logan and Broc to leave me, and I knew it wasn't going to be easy just because I so badly wanted to be walking out of my room with them.  I started to bawl, I tried SO hard not too...but now a days, I find myself being so emotional. I can probably cry over anything!! So, it doesn't take much.  I was just sad to see them go, and it was also hard to know where they were heading, because I felt I should get to go there too.  Remember those feelings of anger I told you about in yesterdays blog???? Well, those feeling were raging loud and clear yesterday.  I was angry that I had to be stuck here, that I was going to miss watching my kids play games, play with their cousins..and I even miss the little things, like getting their food ready for them.   Thank goodness for skype, they hooked it up there at Moms house so I could see the kids and my family.  I started crying talking to Taylor (my niece) I just couldn't hold it in anymore...I felt bad, because I don't think she knew what to do?? Poor girl.   i tried to put on a happy face, when deep down , I was sad...and feeling so alone :(  I couldn't do anything to shake off the heaviness I was feeling that day.  I tried everything to get my minds off of things....it just wasn't working. No matter what I did, I knew my family was together for the holidays and I was missing out.  Most of the day, I was laying down not doing anything but putting myself deeper in sadness, and it wasn't doing any good to do that!!! Sometimes, I feel like I need to "smack" myself and realize why I am here, and what my mission is.  My mission is to keep this butt in bed, to keep me healthy, and most importantly keep baby Lane safe in my belly <3.  It will be worth it all...All of the heartaches, lonely nights, lonely days...and all of my anger I feel sometimes, when I get my mission completed. A healthy me, and a healthy beautiful baby boy!!!!  Soon, this will all be a distant memory to me.  I have to realize this is not going to be my life for forever, and while I'm here I need to make the best of it, or else I'm going to go insane.  I have had a few doctors come in recently, actually, one today...and ask me how I was doing, emotionally...and I explained to him that I have my good, and I have my bad days.  He sorta scared me, because he's like..."well, we have someone here to talk about your feelings, and you need to do that if you have to, because you can go insane here."  Well, I refuse to go insane lol. I will make it!! I know I can do it, I just have to suck it up on those not so good days, and let my good days carry me through the rougher days here.  I pray the Lord teaches me while I'm here, what he wants me to learn about this whole situation.  Everything in life is a test, I really believe that.  So, this is just another test.....it won't last for forever, and soon this will be over and I will get to be a wife, mommy, sister, daughter, and a friend again.

Keep praying everyone, pray the Lord carries us through!! Which I know he will, I never doubt him!!! Also, pray this time goes QUICK!!!!!! lol :)

God Bless you all...

Day 4&5: Life is no longer normal.

Hey there!! I have had a couple people ask me where my blogs have been?? Well, nothing really went on, so I guess I sort of forgot about writing them. So, I guess I will update everyone on my past 2 days here.
On Thursday, I had a pretty boring day, and I have a feeling you guys are going to hear a lot about that. My day dragged pretty bad, and sometimes I start to think about things, and start getting down and feeling so alone.  Even though I do have visitors here and there, I feel like no one else is going through exactly what I am going through besides me, and sometimes that's a really lonely feeling.  I caught myself looking up at my little closet I have here, and staring at my pictures Logan and my nieces and nephew had colored for me, and I started tearing up.  Seeing those pictures makes me miss home.  Yet at the same time, they bring me joy because its a part of home and a part of each one of them :)  I am starting to really realize that there will be good days, and there will be really bad days...and that's ok. I think its normal??  I had talked to Broc earlier that day and discussed with him that he should just stay home for 1 night, and have the boys home with their daddy and it would also give him a little break from traveling.  He has been coming every night, staying for an hour or 2, and then traveling home to go to bed and get the boys stuff ready for their next day.  Not only does he have to work, but he has been packing things for the boys to go to the babysitter, dropping them off, and then also going to work. Then after work, he normally goes straight home to shower, then drop the boys off at another babysitter and heads to Toledo to come see me for only a short visit.  I KNOW as time goes on, he is going to get burnt out from all of the traveling, and all the other stuff he has going on in his life right now. Trying to be Mr. Mom when he can, and also being a provider for his family.  So, as much I didn't want to do it, I told him that it would be ok to just stay home Thursday night to just be home. I reassured him that I would be ok, and I would try not to have any meltdowns.  I know that he will not be able to come see me every single day, and sometimes that just has to happen.  Life has to go on for him.  I just wish my life could be apart of his life too :(  So, knowing I wasn't going to see him that night was a little bit rough for me but I tried not to think about it, because I know it has to be this way.  It did help that I had a visit from Brocs grandpa and grandma Pease and his uncle Mike and Aunt Julie. They came to see me, and stayed for about 2 hours. I always love hearing his grandparents stories of the "olden days".  I could listen to them talk for forever!! After they left, I got ready for bed and tried to just keep my mind off of things, and watch some TV.  Then, I get a message from Broc on facebook chat, and we start chatting. Sometimes its almost harder for me to talk to him, just because no matter what he says....it doesn't make me feel better. (sorry babe.) I haven't even told Broc this, so if you're reading this, be prepared..lol. But, some days I feel angry, and I am starting to take it out on Broc. I'm not mean to him, but I feel its not fair that I'm here going through everything. He gets to come and go whenever he pleases, and he gets to tuck my boys to bed at night.  I feel stuck, trapped..useless.  I don't understand why I have those feelings sometimes, but I can't help but feel that way.  Like I said, I have my good days and I have my bad days.  I know my husband is going through so much, and I appreciate everything he is doing to step up, because he is BIG time.  But, I'm just trying to be honest with my feelings, and it actually feels good to share it.  Now, let me clear things up...I do NOT feel this way all the time!!!!!! But on this particular day, I was. (I love you, honey)
On Friday, I woke up feeling like a NEW woman!!! PRAISE GOD!  Friday was an awesome day for me.  For one, my health has been improving every single day, and by Friday I had no spotting what so ever. So, I am always thankful for that.  I had great spirits on Friday...I had breakfast, and then watched some TV and then took a shower. Those always refresh me, they are like my little vacation from my bed :)  After I showered, I did my hair, and even put on some make-up just to fill up some time.  My cousin Julie and aunt sue came to visit me earlier in the week (LOVE YOU GUYS!!)  and Julie had let me borrow an Ipod.  She put tons and tons of praise and worship music on it for me to listen tho, and boy oh boy I didn't realize what a blessing that would be to me.  My most favorite was that my sisters CD "Faith Walk" was downloaded on there.  I had been going through with drawls, because that's ALL I listen to in my car when I was at home.  So, I turned on my sisters CD, and it instantly gave me peace (a long with a few, or a lot of tears).  There's just something about hearing them sing that makes me happy and lifts my spirits. Especially when I'm so far from home.  The song that really spoke to me was "simple song".  Here are the words to the song:

Sing a simple song of love, to my savior, to my Jesus.
I'm grateful for the things you've done,
My loving savior, precious Jesus.

My heart is glad, that you called me your own,
There's no place I'd rather be.....Than in your arms of love, In your arms of love...
Holding me still, you are holding me near, in your arms of love.

I felt so comforted to know that the Lord is there for me, holding me in his precious arms of love!! There really is no place I'd rather be.  When you are feeling SO alone, like I have some days, just know that Jesus is there with his arms stretched wide waiting for you to come and rest your head against his chest and just REST in his peace. Thank you Jesus!

That night, I was REALLLLY excited because my family was coming to see me!!! Mom and Dad showed up early, and I had really missed them because I hadn't seen them since Monday! I love seeing them walk in with a big smile :)  Plus there is really nothing better than your mommy.  My mommy will always be there to comfort me, and take care of me....even if I'm going on 26! I love you, momma.  And not only that but my sister Amber and her whole family came up too! I was sooo excited, because I hadn't seen them for almost a week. That may not seem like a lot to some of you, but my family is extremely close and I love them SOO much and miss them when we are a part.  It was so good to get a hug from my other mom, a.k.a. Amber, and her daughters.  I couldn't help but just feel so HAPPY.  I wanted to hold little Kinlee, and she rested her head on my chest right away and just stayed there.  Little did she know, that made me feel AMAZING :)  Broc and Logan also stayed the night on Friday.  I couldn't wait till they got here...and boy oh boy was Logan excited!!!! He did a GREAT job spending the night with mommy.  He got his jammies on, and we watched some movies, ate some stacks, and cuddled!!! He is such a good little boy, and so loving...I really am proud to say he is mine.  He had 1,0000000 questions for me..why I had to have this needle in my arm, why do nurses always come in, was it safe here if there was a fire lol, it went on and on...but, I was happy to answer all of his questions!! He would put his arm around me and kiss me on the cheek just out of no where..he blesses my socks off!! So, Friday was an AWESOME day for me!!! Praise the Lord for days like that to get you through the rough days....

Please keep us all in your prayers as emotions are running high and low.  We love you all, and we are overwhelmed with the support of our community, family, church members, and friends.  WE ARE BLESSED. I cannot say thank you enough.  I almost feel as though I'm not worthy of it....but, God bless all of you!

special thanks to Brad Volk for setting me up with skype! This man doesn't even know me, and he came to my hospital room and did this for me!! Brought me to tears, sweetest guy ever!!! Thanks again...its awesome to see my family when I'm so far away!!!*******

Day 3: Pretty uneventful!

Hello! I promise that today's blog will not bring anyone to tears. Like I said, some days may be filled with drama, and some days may be pretty boring!  Yesterday overall was a pretty good day for me. Boring, yes. I did have a couple surprises that really made me feel humbled, and excited!!!  I start my day off at 6:00am getting my blood sugar tested, and then they hook Lane up to the monitors for 20 minutes to watch his heart rate, and make sure he's looking good.  Every time they try and strap me with those belts for the monitor, Lane goes nuts!!! He kicks, and rolls, and punches...non stop! They always have trouble getting his heart rate because he wants nothing to do with them touching and pushing on my belly. It cracks me up every time. I think we have a REAL firecracker this time. I don't know how it can get any worse than Luke, but this one seems to be a pistol so far!! The nurses know him as the "active" baby!  Once they are done messing with me, I try and lay back down for a little bit, but not much longer because they bring me breakfast at 7:30am each day. I'm not much of a breakfast eater, so this is different for me to eat breakfast every single day. I always order scrambled eggs and toast, its starting to get old, but with the diet they have me on, nothing else sounds good! Then, an hour later the nurses come back in for another poke for my blood sugar. 
Yesterday, I started reading a book. Megan reads?????? No, I don't read. hahahahaha. But, I guess when there is nothing else to do but stare at my wall, reading sounds not so bad.  I started the book "heaven is for real".  I already have half of it done in pretty much 1 day. And that's only from reading only for a couple of hours.  Seems to be a really good book so far :)  I also had a surprise visit from my Aunt Sara and uncle Don.  My lunch had just been brought in, and then I heard and knock and it was them! It was a nice visit, and a great time catching up with them. Plus, it gave me a little break from doing nothing...
After they left, I pretty much just watched tv, and was on the Internet most of the time waiting for the clock to hit 3:30 because that's when Broc gets off of work. I always can expect a text from him, and that helps break up my day.  He was coming later for a visit to see me, so I was excited about seeing him again, even if it was for just an hour or 2.  Little did I know, once he started driving here, he had called me and told me he had a surprise for me.  And I said, well what??? (thinking it was some type of food, cause he knows that makes me happy lol) And he said "I'm going to stay the night with you tonight!!" WHAT????? YAY!!!!!!! I instantly started bawling!! What a relief to know that I do not have to say goodbye to him for just 1 night!  Once he got here, it was like we were 16 all over again. We both had huge cheesy smiles on our face when he walked in the room, and he put his bags down and gave me the biggest hug :)  We pretended to be on a date, he snuggled up in my hospital bed, I laid my head on his shoulder, he kissed my forehead. It was SO nice to have my husband here. I don't know what it is, but his presence brings me so much comfort.  (sorry for all the mushy mushy stuff.)  Then, I asked him to help me with my shower, it is quite the chore now a days to shower!! I have to sit on a chair, try not to bend down...I have to wrap both my IV's in bags and then tape them so they don't get wet. Its just a long process to shower. It was so much easier with him here to help me when I needed it, and get things around for me after I got out.  Its the little things that you miss the most when you're all alone. 
Not only did I have 1 surprise yesterday from my husband, but he also told me he had something for me that my best friend Jamie Welch had gotten around to.  I didn't have a clue what he was going to say, but he finally told me that people have sent money for gas cards, and gift cards to different food places.  As he was telling me, he started to cry, filled with gratefulness. I began to cry, and felt so humbled that people would do this for us.  In a slight way, I felt guilty, but I need to not feel guilty about people trying to help us, and instead feel blessed because that's exactly what we are. So, if you are on of those people who have sent money, or have given a gift card, THANK YOU.  Thank you is not enough, I am just so amazed by the support and love we feel from everyone.  Its so great, and we are truly blessed with great people around us who care about what we are going through.  So, thanks....we APPRECIATE it soooo much! 
That pretty much wraps up my day, thanks again for the prayers!!!! I'm doing really good these past 2 days as far as my health and bleeding, so the prayers are working. I am so thankful for every day I do not have another bleed, and for another day pregnant with my precious Lane.
God bless you all!!

Day 2 : Little blessings count.

Good morning from Toledo! :)  Yesterday was a much better day for me as far as my health and how I was feeling. I slept some the night before, not much. Maybe an hour or two all together, but that is still improvement from the crazy night before! I was thankful to get some hours of sleep.  Yesterday, my nurse came in and monitored the baby and checked my vitals, and then proceeded to ask me what my "goals" were for today, as she headed to the dry erase board.  I told her my goal was to not bleed, get rid of my horrible headache, and to SHOWER!  Those may not seem like big things, but to me, those things would make me have a better day.  Well, I'm happy to say I met all of those goals for yesterday, which made me one happy momma :)  I had been having a horrible headache, one so bad that I could barely open my eyes or function. It totally would make me feel sick, and just not myself. They told me I had been having this head ache as a side effect from the extremely high dose of magnesium sulfate I was put on the previous night. Well, eventually yesterday, I was headache free! Praise God. Its those small blessings that get me through the day, and make me feel more "normal".  Then, I kept begging them for a shower. I had felt so disgusting.  I had been on bed rest at home, and I hadn't showered the day I had my 5th bleed. I didn't feel there was any time to shower, so we just went to hospital. Little did I know, I wouldn't be showering anytime soon.  My showers have to be ordered and approved by a doctor now. I can't just get up whenever I want, and take a shower and come lay back it bed. It's sort of a process to actually be able to even get one. But, YESTERDAY, I got my shower I have so badly been wanting!!! Doctor said since it had been 48 hours since my last bleed, that I was able to shower quickly and while sitting down. I was excited to be "refreshed".  But, I got to thinking, there is no shower in this room....where am I going to shower?? I had been in the ICU for mommies, and they don't have showers in their rooms and they have to use a "community" shower.  They walked me to the shower room, (my bare butt hanging out for the whole world to see) and started my shower! It felt so good to clean all the nastiness off of me!!! It may not seem big to any of you, but I felt so blessed just to get a shower and I thank the Lord for it.  So, I was happy that I had already met 2 of my goals for that day. No headache, and a shower! yay :) Now, I was just praying for no major bleeding for the remainder of the day.  In the middle of the night, I was having some cramping. Like period cramps , and I started to worry that something was about to happen. Then I noticed a small "gush" and was worried I was going to have to go through all that all over again in such a short time. I got up and went to the bathroom, and noticed some brown spotting. I told my nurse I was cramping, and noticed some spotting, and she assured me that it was ok and my body goes through a healing process after I have a major bleed. So, she made me feel better that it was normal, and everything was going to be ok. I had that light spotting for the rest of the day, but nothing bad at all. So, I was happy I made it through another day with no major bleeding. Right now, every day counts..so I'm thankful when I get through a day and know that I am still pregnant and baby is doing great!! 
Yesterday, I also got a new room. I had been asking for one, so I didn't have to shower in that gross shower room again! I wanted to have my own shower, so I was ready for a new room.  They had asked about me getting a new room on Monday, but the doctor didn't feel I was "stable" enough to be moved out of the ICU.  I kept asking, and yesterday I got my wishes. I got moved to a new room with my own shower, I was so excited!!! Once they transferred me to my new room, and saw what I would be staying in for who knows how long, I started to get a little discouraged. I cannot lie.  My room was dark, SO quiet, and felt so lonely. I just wanted to cry. My tv isn't anything to brag about either, its about 2" big and sits right in front of my face. haha. Thank goodness I have my laptop, and netflix :)  I was bumming about my room, but knew I was going to see my sister, husband, and my 2 BOYS later that day! I couldn't wait for them to get here. It seemed like time was standing still, and I just wanted them to get there!!! Finally, they did arrive :) I was soo happy to see my little Logan walk in with a stack of coloring papers him and his cousins had made for me. My spirits instantly were lifted :) Then my sister, whom I adore walks in, my hubby, and my in laws.  Luke (my youngest) came in pretty much a grump, totally was just being his normal self. Not sitting still, not knowing what he wants. He's quite the kid.  I love him to death, and even though he didn't enjoy himself here, it was still great to kiss his chubby cheeks and tell him I love him.  I had a good visit with all of them :) It was approaching 8:30, and that's when visiting hours are over, and I knew I had to say goodbye SOON. I was already dreading the awful goodbye, and that's exactly what it was.  I could tell my husband was not wanting to leave, and I knew it was time. He would just look at me, and I knew that it wasn't going to be an easy goodbye AGAIN. When will these goodbyes start to get better???  He looked me in my eyes, with tears starting to fill in his, and that was it for both of us. The tears started to fly as we wrapped our arms around each other saying our goodbyes for another night a apart.  It's so hard to see him go, he has always taken such good care of me, so its sad when he's not here. He's my other half, and I love him dearly..he truly is my best friend and my comfort. Then I said goodbye to my sister, who I'm used to seeing and talking to daily :( I get so heartbroken for some reason. I am hoping that the longer I'm here, the easier the goodbyes will be. Then I had to say goodbye to my boys, Luke was a good boy and gave his mommy a hug and kiss, and Logan being the sweetheart he is wrapped his arms around me and gave me a big ole hug and kiss. He was crying, and didn't want to let go of  neck...so that was hard for me, but I tried to act like I was "ok" and made him laugh just to get his mind off of things.  He asked me "mommy, why do you have to stay here?" Poor kids just don't understand. I am so proud to have such a loving, GOOD boy. Logan truly blesses me with his gentle spirit, and his love. My in laws and sister and husband gathered around a circle, holding my hand and my father in law led in prayer. Then, off they go. :( I try to be so strong, but the goodbyes are so hard. I sat on my bed with tears running down my face, wondering when those goodbyes are going to get easier? It seems at this point its almost better to not see anyone, so I don't have to say goodbye.   But, I miss everyone and I know they miss me too....so its so good to see them, I just hate saying "bye". After I calmed down a bit, I was snuggled in my bed, and the nurse came in to do the baby monitoring for 20 minutes. Once they hooked me up, and I could hear Lanes heart beating, it was so comforting.  Listening to his heart beat is my new "medicine" that makes everything feel better :)  This is going to be worth it all!  "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." I know the Lord will get me through all of this, from my ups, to my downs. He will, I just know it.  Thanks again for everyone who is praying for us. We appreciate it, and I feel the prayers. The Lord has given me a peace during the days when I'm alone, I actually feel pretty good. And I know its because of the prayers. So, thanks again.  Also, I want to say thank you to my family who has stepped up in a HUGE way. Taking care of my boys, getting Logan on the bus, waking up with my little nugget Luke. THANK YOU, is not enough..I love you all.  Thanks to everyone for all their support, please keep praying for us :) We are gonna make it!!!

Day 1: Mommy heads to Toleo.

Hey everyone, I figured I would start a blog since there have been many questions about what is going on, how I am doing, and how baby is doing. So hopefully if things stay calm around here, at the beginning of each day I will start a new blog on how the previous day went. Some days may be boring, and some days may be filled with drama. This will allow you to be a part of Lane and I story, and will have a better understanding on what to pray for! Cause I know you are all praying, right???? :)  So, today I am going to start from the beginning, and lead you up to where I am right now. Here goes nothing, and PLEASE, I am not an English teacher, and not the brightest tack in the bunch, so bare with some errors.

Lane Jaxon Miller, a little boy inside my belly that's giving me all kinds of trouble.  At 20 weeks, we found out we were expecting another little Miller boy. The ultrasound tech was CLEAR that it was going to be our 3rd little baby boy.  Everyone say "hi" to Lane Jaxon Miller!!!

At that appointment, I learned that I had a low lying placenta.  I was not really concerned at all, because I had this with Luke also. So, I figured..well, this will move out of the way any day.  At 24 weeks, Broc and I were headed home from van wert, it was a Sunday. I remember at church standing up and feeling something like a "gush" but figured it was just one of those annoying pregnancy things every mom goes through, (if you know what I mean.)  It wasn't until we came home from Van Wert and came in to go to the bathroom to find a good amount of blood in my underware. This being my first bleed, I was sort of worried and let Broc know right away. I called the womens center in Defiance, and they wanted to see me right away. So, we shipped our 2 boys off to their grandparents house, and off we were to the hospital. Little did I know, this was the start to something that was going to happen many more times.  We arrived at the hospital, and they hooked me up to the monitors right away to make sure baby Lane was fine.  He was looking great, and by that time my bleeding had stopped. The doctor told me to walk around with a pad for 30 mins and check it afterwards to see if any more bleeding had occurred. About an hour later, they sent me home and wanted me to have a check up with my doctor.  While at my doctors appointment, he wanted to do an ultrasound to check the position of my placenta to see what was going on, and why I had that bleed on Sunday.  Dr. Erwin, being the blunt doctor he is says..."Yep, this aint good, this is previa, COMPLETE PLACENTA PREVIA."  There are 3 stages to previa, and I am at the 3rd and worse and most serious case, which is "complete". This means my placenta is lying right over top of my cervix.  The Placenta is filled with tons and tons of blood, and if it gets irritated, it starts to bleed, which causes all of my bleeding episodes.  With Placenta Previa, you cannot  deliver a baby vaginally, so I will be have a c section. (Still believing the Lord CAN move mine, even if doctors say NO!.)  After my first bleed, 2 weeks later I had my second bleed. Then I had a 3rd bleed, a 4th and a 5th that landed me at the Toldedo hospital.  At 24 weeks was my first bleed I believe, and I am 29 wks now, so in that short of a time I have had several bleedings. They don't even like you to have more than 2 by now.  So, my 5th bleed started off just like the others. I told Broc that I was just going to go straight to bed, and see if it slows down. I had been to the hospital so many times, I figured I knew exactly what they were going to do, so I might as well see if it slows down at home.  The night went ok, just a little worrying going on in my head. I woke up still bleeding but it had turned a darker color. The doctors are MOST concerned about bright red blood, which means the bleeding is active. Anything dark is usually old blood.  So, I thought I was going in the right direction and the blood color was starting to turn dark. I had been on bed rest for a little over 2 weeks at this time, so I just laid on the couch and was scared to even get up to pee. Well, eventually that has to happen..and once I got up, another gush. Ugh, not again. I thought about waiting this one out again, but I knew this bleed was different than my others. It had already lasted over night, and now is bright red again and there was more of it! I called the womens center again, and she didn't hesitate to say "you need to come in now."  I thought, "well, broc, here we go AGAIN."  Little did I know, this situation was going to be VERY different than the others. My whole life changed when I got there. I was still bleeding red blood, and quite a bit of it.  I passed a pretty big clot as I was there also, that brought some concern, but not much. The nurse had brought up 2 different times about going to Toledo, and in the back of my head, I thought "well, that will never happen." Well, things moved quick...the Doctor came into see me, and was very concerned with my condition.  She really didn't like that it was my 5th episode of bleeding and feared the worse for me.  She told me her gut feeling with my situation was to transfer me to Toledo, so I am in the best hands possible to deal with my situation. I couldn't believe it. Is this really happening to me? Why Lord? why me, why my baby?  Then, not even an hour later, the ambulance shows up and wheels in bed for me to transfer me. Just like you see in the movies, I really couldn't believe this was happening to me.  I was actually VERY calm, it just felt like I was living in someone elses body. It just didn't seem real.  I think reality set it as I was alone, in the back of the ambulance. I started to cry a little bit, and then tried to stop...I didn't want that guy with me to think I was a baby. haha.  The ride there was a little over an hour, I thought about a lot and had a lot of questions in my head about what was going to happen to Lane, and also me and my health.  When I got here, it was madness. I felt like I got NO break from anyone. Nurses, doctors, swarming in and out of my room.  This is serious, and I just couldn't believe this was actually happening to me.  A doctor met with me almost right away. I forgot his name, he was foreign..and so SMART. But, he also scared me. He told me everything that could happen to me, and that we have to prepare for Lane to come WITHIN the hour.  WHAT????? is this guy serious?????  They started poking me, not once, not twice, not 3 times, and not 4 either....about 9 different pokes taking my blood for who knows what. I felt like my body was just open for anyone to do anything to. I felt so hopeless and I had NO control over this situation. Then the doctor says we need not 1 IV, but 2. and I was like, well ok whats another needle?? Well this one was BIG, ouchhhh...its for blood transfusions in case I need one. Not very pleasant, and I thought I was tough??? haha. The doctor wanted to give me an exam, and an ultrasound. This was all within minutes while I was there.  He told me "I'm not going to lie, this is going to be very uncomfortable."  I still wasn't worried because I thought, " ya, but it wont hurt like his sayin, it never does." Boy oh boy, was I WRONG. REALLY wrong. This exam had me sweating bullets, and brought tears to my eyes. I was laying there, helpless, sad, confused, and IN PAIN most of all!! I was soo glad when that was over, let me tell ya!!! Doctor gave me an ultrasound, and baby was looking great (which always brings a smile to mommys face).  He then told me that we needed to start magnesium sulfate right away. So they put that drug into my IV, and all hell broke loose. I started having horrible hot flashes, my vision was totally blurred, and I just felt SICK. It really knocked the wind out of my sales, and by 1:30 in the morning, they were still messing around with me and my body. Telling me that the sulfate is to help Lane if he would come soon with seizures and other things of that nature. And that I may be in the ICU after my c section, I may need a blood transfusion, and even a hysterectomy.  He told me that the NICU team will be coming down to have a conversation with Broc and I to discuss what goes on down there, and how things are taking care of. I didn't want to hear any of this!!! I refuse to believe all this is going to happen, and I refuse to believe my baby is going to be unhealthy.  But yet, we do have to prepare ourselves for the worst cases.  That night I didnt sleep one minute, not because I didn't want to, but it was just not possible. I was not feeling well at all. That mag sulfate was really kicking my butt. The next morning, I was told from the doctor that I have diabetes. I just thought "oh well, nothing good happens, so of course I have that."  They tried to get me to eat, since I hadn't for over 24 hours. After the first two bites of my toast, I got sick and it all came back up!!! I felt HORRIBLE, and at this point, I was just OVER everything and lost it. Thank goodness I have a wonderful husband who is there for me when I am weak and feeling hopeless. I just didn't think it was ever going to end. At that point I was feeling like life would be better in heaven than dealing with everything I was.  Like I said, I had reached my lowest low that morning.  It wasn't until about lunch time I started feeling "ok". We had another ultrasound yesterday.  This was the longest ultrasound I ever had...they were checking everything!! Even his little nose bones. I loved being able to see my baby, and to know he is looking great and growing!!! They estimated his weight now at 2lbs15oz.  So now, its just a waiting game.....everyday COUNTS! every minute counts! I am in better spirits today, and I have a peace that no matter what happens. I will be ok. Lane will be ok.  This is our journey together. As I hear his heart monitor beating, and I'm laying there...I realize I am never alone! He's right here with me going through this together.   Thank you everyone for your prayers. Your letters of concern, and comments mean so much to us, most of all we just want u to send your PRAYERS...daily! Broc and I believe in a miracle working God, and that's what we need....a miracle :) I believe it can happen, who's with me??  Also, pray for Broc and I as we are a part at nights and some days we wont even get to see each other since I'm so far away. Saying goodbye to him last night was so hard. So hard for both of us! I hurt seeing my husband bawling, feeling so torn from leaving his wife...yet, he knows he has to keep providing for our family. God has blessed me with a great man of God, and please pray your blessings be upon him as he is going through a rough time also.  Also, pray that I get by with not being so sad over not seeing my boys. I'm used to being with them ALL the time, so this is very difficult for me. I miss just being their momma. :(  But, I know this is what has to be done for them to make sure their Mom is safe and so is their baby brother.  Thanks again for your prayers, thoughts and concern.  This will probably be the longest blog since I started from the beginning. Some other days may be real short so I don't have to bore you all :)

Thanks again for following me and Lane on our journey........

Megan