Saturday, December 24, 2011

Conclusion: "A Christmas miracle"

Hello everyone!! My last post was about "I'll be your miracle".  Little did I know, 3 days later....that my only HOPE would be in the Lord. Thursday, December 8th at around 10:00p.m. , I was just getting out of the shower, said my goodbyes to my hubby and was snuggled in my hospital bed to wrap up another day at the Toledo hospital.  As I was laying down, I felt a little gush..thinking it was nothing.  I actually didn't bother to even get up.  At that point, I hadn't bleed for 4 weeks, so I was getting confident that it wasn't blood.  Sure enough, that's exactly what it was.  I was pretty shocked, and right away pressed my call light to get the nurses down to my room.  Then, I called Broc right away, who was only 15 minutes from being home!  I told him to please come back because I was bleeding and I wasn't sure how bad it was going to be.  Right after I got off the phone with him, there were still no nurses coming in, so I hit my call light again, and told them "I AM BLEEDING!" At that point, I had already had another gush, not even 2 minutes later.  It wasn't even a minute, and I had about 4 nurses running down the hall, pushing my door open, and they begin to take control over me.  Raising my hospital bed, asking questions, starting IVS.  So scary.  Then another gush....and, another....and...another.  The nurses went to get the on call doctor to come and check me out.   She came in and thought I would be ok, and the amount of blood was "alright" for the time being.  I was glad because that meant I could stay in my room always made me feel safe, it was like my home away from home.  Well, no sooner as the doctor left, I had another gush. The nurses called the doctor back in, and she was there right away!! She checked the amount of blood and right away said that I needed to be moved to labor and delivery.  I was laying there on my bed feeling so helpless, and scared..not knowing what was going to happen next.  At that point, I was still alone, waiting for Broc to get there.  He couldn't get there fast enough, I just wanted someone there to tell me that everything was going to be ok, but I couldn't get that answer from ANYONE! No one would tell me that everything was going to work out just fine!!  So, off I go...about 4 nurses wheeling my hospital bed down the lonely hallways.  I enter into my new room in Labor and delivery, and say goodbye to my other nurses.  The L&D nurses hooked me up to the monitors right away to make sure Lane was tolerating the amount of blood loss I was having.  They reassured me that, he was looking great, so that made me feel a little bit better.  About 2 or 3 hours later, my husband finally gets there...and shortly after that, my mom and dad arrive also.  Something about my parents being there always makes me feel better too.  The motherly love from momma, and the prayers from my daddy are always a good help when I am scared and worried.  My Mom was amazing to me the whole night!! She was such a trooper, and stayed up with me the whole night.  She even cleaned me up, just like I was her little baby again :)  She really is the best..  The rest of the night really didn't get much better, about every 5-10 minutes I would have another gush.  I felt like I had to be a statue, and not move a muscle, or else I would begin to bleed again.  And that's exactly what happened...every move I made, another gush!  Early in the morning, I would say around 4 or 5 am, the nurse checked my pad I was laying on...and when she removed it, I was SHOCKED at the amount of blood was on there.  I started to think in my head "oh my gosh, this really could be it!"  I knew it was a lot, because she saved that pad to show the doctor.  Shortly after that, I felt something coming out...I knew exactly what it was.  I was passing a clot...a big clot.  I pressed my call light, and the nurse came in and checked it out.  She also then removed my pad, and saved it to show the doctor.  At this point, the nurse would barely answer my questions, and she would never look me in the eye.  I knew something was wrong, and at that point I looked at my Mom and said "Mom, they are going to take Lane out, I just know it. "  She tried to calm me, and reassure me that everything was going to be ok, but at that point, I just knew something wasn't right.  At 7:00am on the nose, the doctor came in and sat down on my bed beside me.  Is this really happening????? Pleaseeee, tell me this is NOT happening.  "Megan, she said, we cannot control the bleeding...we are going to have to do an emergency c section right now."  Tears filled my eyes, and I starting bawling and pleading with her to stop the bleeding, or do something to make things better!!! I knew if Lane was taken from me, that he was not going to be ok on his own, and he would be in the NICU for awhile.  "Is there anything more you can do???" I asked...and she looked at me with sadness, and said "no honey."  I was filled with such fear, not for me, but for my baby!  More nurses entered my room, and start working on me.  Putting in huge IV's in case I needed a blood transfusion, and then they begin to start me on magnesium sulfate.  My body is instantly filled with intense heat from head to toe.  I couldn't believe all of this was really happening to me, and so FAST!  I had NO time to process anything.  I had 20 minutes to let the magnesium fill my body, and then they were going to take me in to surgery.  The doctor came in and sat down beside me again with a piece of paper in her hand.  She began to whisper. This paper I had to sign was pretty much telling me all the risk I was about to face, since I had the previa. She basically was telling me, I could die. At that point, I was totally freaked out..but still, if I was going to die, fine...but I wanted my baby to be SAFE! 
After signing my life away, it was time.  No matter what I wanted, my baby was being pulled from his "home" and out into the world.  My parents, and husband gathered around me and laid hands on me and began to pray.  Then, I was wheeled away from to the OR I go.  They prepped me, and got me all ready.  They were so great to me in there, they knew the fears I was facing, and let me know that I was in good hands.  Once my spinal began to take effect, they started.  All I could think of was Lane and how he was going to be when he came out!! Lord, please let my baby be ok!!!!! PLEASE!!!  About 20 minutes later...Lane Jaxon Miller was born.
He was BEAUTIFUL!  My first thought was "oh my goodness, he is SO little"  They showed me his little face, and then off they go with him.  Right next door was the NICU team waiting.  I barely could wait to hear the news of if he was doing good or if he was struggling.  Minutes seemed like hours, and then finally a nurse let me know that he was doing good for his gestational age.  I could finally take a sigh of relief.  I knew he was going to be ok no matter what.   I knew the Lord wouldn't allow any different!!!  Soon, they stitched me back up, and 37 staples later.....I was done.  I just wanted to so badly see my baby.  I was wheeled into the recovery room, and they told me that if I was up to it, that they would let me go to the NICU to see Lane.  I couldn't wait to just look at my baby!!!  Once they wheeled me down to the NICU, into Lanes room...I just started to bawl, I didn't really know what to feel.  It was extremely hard to see my baby hooked up to all these tubes and wires.  I thought all along that I would make it far enough so that my baby would not have to suffer.  I began to feel like a failure. Some how I felt it was my fault, and I didn't do a good enough job of keeping him safe inside of me. 
I didn't realize how emotional it was going to be to watch my baby lay there so helpless.  SO hard. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.  Friday he seemed to be doing "ok" for a baby born at 32 weeks.  They said he was about average in health for his age.  Saturday morning we went down to see him, and he seemed to be struggling more with his breathing.  It was almost heart wrenching just to go down to see him because it was never was always so sad for me.  There was nothing I could do to make him better. I couldn't even touch him.  I felt so worthless. Saturday night, I knew Lane was in trouble.  My heart began to tremble with fear... He looked horrible, and when he would breath it was almost like his chest would touch his back bone with he would breath in.  He was struggling SO bad just to live.  At about midnight, I was up in my room sobbing, along with Broc.  We both knew he wasn't doing too well at all.  I looked my husband in the eyes, and I said "enough is enough" I wanted to go down to his NICU room one more time, lay hands on his incubator and proclaim health and life into my little boys body.  I was sick of crying so much, and I was ready to fight for my baby!!!  We made it to his room, and both instantly starting praying!  I felt so confident that the Lord was going to do a work in his life, and back we went to our room.   At 2:00 am Sunday morning, my nurse comes in my room. "Megan, Dr. Stein wants to meet with you guys, Lane is not doing well at all."  I woke Broc up, and tried to prepare him for the worse.  Something inside me knew this wasn't going to be a pleasant meeting.  They had told us earlier, that if we ever get a phone call...its usually not good.  Broc wheeled me down to the NICU. Not a word was said between both of us.  We feared the worse for our new baby boy.  Once we entered the NICU, and approached Lanes room....both doors were shut, and all the blinds were closed. I knew in my heart, it wasn't good. This was NOT normal.  There were probably half a dozen nurses surrounding his room, and many more inside his room!  What a horrible sight to see.  I just wanted to know what was going on, I didn't want anyone to beat around the bush.. I wanted to know TRUTH.  Well, truth is what I got.  Dr. Stein walks out of Lanes room and asks us to go to his office.  Broc wheels me down, and there we are...meeting in the office with Dr. Stein, and another doctor.  He then pulls up 3 different xrays of Lanes chest.  He shows us the holes in both lungs, and the air that was slowly leaking around them.  Then he pulled up a 3rd xray.  This xray was the most recent one...When he pulled this up, he told Broc and I that what we were seeing was very RARE.  He also began to tell us, that he has never seen anything like this in all his years working there.  I began to shake uncontrolable.......nurses began to surround me with warm blankets placing them on my body to try and help control the shaking. Nothing worked, my body was in complete shock and fear.  Dr. Stein basically told us there was no hope for Lane, and soon the air that was surround his heart will eventually kill him.  He told us that he was going to wait by Lane's bedside, and he told us that when it happens...its going to be quick.  I don't even know how to put into words how I felt.  Anger, hate, worry, fear, sadness. I felt it ALL.  He told us that we could wait for him to pass down there, or we could just wait in our room for a phone call.  At first, we tried to wait down in the NICU...Broc and I walked the halls...not 1 word was spoken. We didn't know how to process this, how do you even prepare for your sons death?? I had no clue.  Finally enough was enough, I had to let something out of me...So, I told Broc I needed to go back to my room, and we would just wait for that dreaded phone call that would tell us, our son has passed.  Once we entered our room, it was like everything just came out!  Weeping SO loudly that I know I woke up the rest of my unit up there.  I could not help it...I was screaming, WHY WHY WHY, why my baby???????? I didn't understand, and I never will.  Sadness began to turn into anger.  I was SO mad at God for doing this to me.  I went through so much, and for why?? Just to have my baby die?????  WHY!  At that point I started throwing things, kicking things...and hitting anything close to me to get whatever I was feeling deep within me OUT.  I have NEVER in my life felt such a dark, deep, ugly spirit all over me.  It was the spirit of DEATH.  Death was knocking on the door..just waiting for me to open.  At this point, I believe the devil himself was speaking to me.  He was telling me "get ready, get ready to say your goodbyes"  I felt him almost laughing in my face!!  I was SO mad at everything.  I had given up hope, as sad as it sounds. But, at that point I felt there was no hope. I didn't even want to get my hopes up, because the Doctor clearly made it a point that he didn't have much longer to live.  So why even try?  Just as soon as I would try and calm myself down from the deep weeping, then Broc would start.  I can't even tell you all how HARD it is to look at your husband..his heart filled with such sadness, and feeling hopeless.  He began to weep, and laid on the hospital floor BEGGING the Lord to save his baby boy!! "Lord please, I will do anything if you just save my SON" There was so much desperation in his voice....We didn't even know what to say to each other.  Our room was filled with crying, and sadness.  Broc began calling our family members to let them know the "news".   It was horrible letting everyone know, that soon....we would be saying goodbye to this beautiful life we just met.  I wanted my Mom and Dad and sisters there to help me with this process.  I knew it wouldn't be easy for them, but I wanted them there so they could say goodbye to him too.  About after an hour, we still hadn't got a phone call.  I was so sick of the waiting process, I finally told Broc to call down and see what was going on. When he called, the nurse handed the phone over to Dr. Stein. He wanted to talk to Broc personally.  This is also RARE.  He told Broc that he hated to say it, but he was actually stable at the moment.  This gave us SOME hope, but very LITTLE.  He said he was still going to wait by his bedside for the rest of the time.  About an hour later my Mom and Dad got there, my dad wrapped his arms around me and we both began to sob.  No one knew what to say to me to make me feel better.  And honestly, no matter what anyone never made it better.  Shortly after that, my sisters arrived.  It was hard seeing them, just because I knew it was hard for them to see their baby sister like this.  All 3 of them gathered around me and they all wrapped their arms around me and we began to cry.  No one knew what to do besides cry..and weep.  Such a sadness and depressive spirit was in that hospital room.  
The wait continued...Lane was still alive after 3 hours.  Still I was afraid to feel like there was some hope.  I never waited my hopes to get up, and then be stripped away from me so quickly.  My Dad looked at Broc and asked if he wanted to go down to see Lane.  Broc agreed to go down with him, and while they were down there, they wrapped their arms around Lanes incubator and began to proclaim LIFE!  They came back up, and told me that Lane was looking good, better than yesterday.  He was now on a ventilator, and that was doing most of the work for him, so he didn't look like he was struggling like he did the day before.  I still couldn't get the courage to go down and look at him.  It wasn't until halfway through the day before I could enough courage to go down and take a peek at my baby boy.  As I entered his room, I began to sob again.  He had SO much all over many tubes, ventilator, chest tube, ivs, was SO sad to see him in that condition.  As a mother, I felt extremely helpless that I couldn't do anything to take his pain and suffering away.  All I could do was just look at him. HELPLESS!  As the day went on, Lane seemed to be stable.  It continued on to the next day and Lane was still with us, PRAISE GOD.  I couldn't believe he lived another day, after the talk we had with Dr. Stein.  So many people were praying for the Lord to touch this little boys life and heath, and he did.  Over 1,000 people at one time were praying for LANE!!! How amazing.  Each day, Lane starting making small steps to recovery!!  This little boy was a MIRACLE, and nothing short of it!!!!!!!!!!  The Lord spared Lanes life, and what was meant for NO MORE!! He is alive and doing well.  Today is Christmas Eve..and Lane is doing great!  He is off of the ventilator, no chest tube, no oxygen, no more incubator.  He now only has a feeding tube, and is hooked up to monitors.  Listen people, this is nothing short of a miracle!!! I don't know how anyone cannot believe in God after this!!  Nurses and doctors come into his room just to see him, because they cannot believe he is still alive and doing well!!!!!!  We give ALL glory to the Lord, I had given up hope....if it wasn't for the prayers of all of you, Lane may have taken his last breath here on the face of the earth.  The Lord has shown favor to Lane, and I believe he is going to be a special little boy.  I pray the Lord uses Lanes testimony to lead others to the Lord.  He is a miracle baby :)   Thank you to everyone who prayed for my son, and who continues to pray. He still has a ways to go before heading home, so thanks again for your continued prayers.  I pray the Lord blesses all of you ALL the days of your life.  This Christmas, I have the best present a mother could ask for........LIFE for my baby boy, LANE :)  I love you all...and God bless!!!!!  Here are some pics of Lane through the rough times and good times.

1 comment:

  1. Miracle is the word for you son. God did hear all them prayers! Funny how the power of prayer works. Even at your darkest hour God is there to help guide you as a family. This post had me in tears! Thanks for sharing, its not always an easy thing to do.